Author Archive: directorifi
I’m making an effort to forgive my brother. I had a lot of anger toward him. Regretfully, I let my rage get the better of me, and I need his forgiveness now. What would you recommend?
In close relationships, it’s typical for both parties to need to extend forgiveness to each other. One important thing to remember is that both of you can be on a different level of the forgiveness process. For instance, you might be more than willing to extend forgiveness, but he might not be ready to let go of his anger. In a circumstance like this, I advise you to apologize and extend your deepest forgiveness to him. Then, wait for his readiness to forgive and to ask for forgiveness from you.
You talk about “bearing the pain” in your books for the general public. I am confused by that. How do you distinguish between a) bearing the pain and moving on with strength and b) bearing the pain so that you see yourself as weak and give into a learned-helplessness mindset?
When people bear the pain with strength, they are willingly deciding to bear the pain for the one who was unfair. It is one of the gifts given to the one who has been unjust so that the forgivers do not keep throwing the pain back to that person or to unsuspecting others. When people succumb to weakness and learned helplessness, they do not necessarily have such a noble purpose of doing this for the sake of others. Instead, when people fall into the learned helplessness mindset, they do not see the virtuous meaning of bearing the pain for others, including those who acted unfairly.
I told my pal Brian a secret, and he betrayed it. It took some time for us to reconcile. Unbelievably, he did it once again! Must I forgive him for this second one?
You say that one “must forgive.” Please do not feel grimly forced to forgive right away; this is your choice to forgive. You seem to be quite angry. Thus, it could take some time. Your friend knew how much the first betrayal hurt, so this second one seems even more challenging than the first. You will know when it is time to start the forgiveness process. Perhaps before you talk to Brian about this second injustice and how it has impacted you, you should begin the process of forgiving if you are ready to do so. I suggest this so you may be patient and polite when you approach him.
Susan, one of my friends, is not happy with one of her parents. I see why it would be beneficial for her to forgive the parent. She won’t listen, though. How would you advise me to proceed?
It’s not appropriate to put Susan under pressure to forgive. However, you don’t necessarily want to disregard your friend, who can benefit psychologically from thinking about forgiving the parent. You should be aware of Susan’s internal suffering, in my opinion. You may concentrate on that pain and ask her if she has any strategies for lessening or getting rid of it when she expresses it (as exhaustion, physical tension, or intense rage). If she is not considering any effective strategies, you could think about recommending forgiveness as a means of easing the suffering. I’ve discovered that suffering may be a powerful catalyst for healing and that forgiveness is one way to get well.
A Call for Corrections to Truly Engage in Correction for Those Imprisoned
I must admit to being surprised by the reaction of so many administrators of correctional institutions. Here is what I mean. I know of three different groups, with many years of experience in the science of forgiveness, that recently have contacted corrections officials to request research programs to aid imprisoned people, who have been treated unjustly in the past, to learn to forgive so that their resentment can be reduced. With their reduced resentment, those imprisoned who have been beaten down in the past may be less likely to displace that rage onto others. Yet, the three different groups mentioned above have been rejected or at least met with ambivalence when requesting, at no charge to the institution, forgiveness programs for the inmates. This negative reaction has occurred in a country in Western Europe, in an Asian country, and in the United States. In each case, trained personnel outside of the institution would implement the forgiveness programs. Further, trained personnel outside the institution would give the pretest and post-test questionnaires so that only a very limited amount of time would be required by any of the professionals within the institution. Yet, the rejections and ambivalence remain.
It seems, and to me this is a tragedy, that those in charge, who could say yes to such forgiveness programs, just do not see the importance of such rehabilitation. We do have scientific evidence that such forgiveness programs work well in correctional institutions when we are given the chance to implement them. You can read about this success here in an earlier blog on this website:
All is not negative in this case of corrections. We are communicating with researchers in Brazil, Spain, and Israel who are interested in helping the imprisoned or those recently released. The voice of one released and who engaged in a forgiveness program has been captured on film from an international conference in July of 2022. His name is Sylvester Jackson. Take a look at his testimony and then ask yourself: Is it time for corrections administrators to see this new approach and welcome it for the sake of the imprisoned and all who could fall victim to their rage?
It is time.
