Author Archive: directorifi
Man Forgives Grandmother’s Killer Then Works to Eliminate Death Penalty
Post-Tribune, Gary, IN – Bill Pelke’s grandmother was brutally murdered during a 1985 break-in at her home by Paula Cooper and three of her classmates from Lew Wallace High School. Cooper, 15 at the time, was the apparent leader in the booze and marijuana fueled attack that left the 78-year-old grandmother slashed and stabbed 33 times. For her role in the crime, Cooper was sentenced to death.
“When it first happened, it was so painful I couldn’t stand to think about it,” Pelke said. But about 18 months after his grandmother’s murder, as he was sitting in the crane he operated at the former Bethlehem Steel, Pelke came to the realization he had to let the hatred go.
“I no longer pictured how she died but how she lived. When I did, something tremendous happened,” Pelke said as he talked about forgiving Cooper. “Forgiveness should be a habit. It should be a way of life.”
Following that catharsis, Pelke spent the better part of the next 25 years advocating to save Cooper’s life and trying to eradicate the death penalty altogether. Pelke’s and Cooper’s story quickly gained international attention and fueled a petition bearing more than 2 million signatures demanding Cooper’s life be spared.
“I’ve probably told my story 5,000 to 6,000 times,” Pelke said. “I’m convinced I’m doing the right thing.”
Ultimately, Cooper’s death sentence was commuted to 60 years in prison when the Supreme Court ruled it was illegal to execute anyone under the age of 18. That sentence was eventually reduced by about half for good time and education credit and she was released last month.
Pelke, who visited her 15 times while she was incarcerated, looks forward to seeing her even though he now lives in Alaska.
“I want to welcome her back to society, the free world. I want to reinforce: I will do whatever I can do to help her get a job. To me, it is very important she is successful,” Pelke said.
Read the full story: “Victim’s grandson finds forgiveness in wake of brutal Gary slaying”
After 13 Years of Living Hell. . . Forgiveness
891 ABC News, Adelaide, Australia – Imagine being locked in prison, being beaten daily and suffering in inhumane conditions in a cell with 49 other people. Imagine coming out of this living hell after 13 years, being diagnosed with cancer but having found forgiveness, happiness, and even peace.
Reon Schutte, a former South African elite Special Forces solider, was captured in 1992 and imprisoned in the notoriously brutal Chikurubi prison in Zimbabwe. To give you an idea of how bad that prison is, in 2009 there were 1300 inmates and 700 of them died while imprisoned there! Schutte was pardoned and released in 2004, and has since shared his incredible story of survival to more than one million people around the world through speaking engagements and his book, “Set Yourself Free.”
While incarcerated, Schutte subsisted on a half cup of rice and cabbage leaves a day, endured inhumane conditions and daily beatings and learned forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance of circumstances and the ability to reprogram his mind for ultimate freedom. The key, Schutte says, is choice, “a powerful tool to which every human has access at every moment and that is our ticket to freedom, regardless of the situation. We may not be able to choose our circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond.”
When Schutte shares his life journey with audiences, he holds listeners spellbound with his incredible story of survival and overcoming inconceivable odds. At the same time, he inspires his audience members to break out of the “personal prisons” they have created for themselves through fear, hate, anger, blame, lack of forgiveness, self-doubt and attachment to material possessions or status. In his book, Set Yourself Free, Schutte shares 10 Principles–lessons he learned the very hard way–and provides simple exercises to immediately put the Principles into practice.
The 10 Principles to Break Out of Your Personal Prison
- Forgive. Not as a favor to others or because you’re holy, but to set yourself free. As long as you hate or hold a grudge against someone, you are their prisoner. They are in control of your life and you’ve given them that power. They may be long gone, have forgotten about you, or even be dead, but if they can still make you think of them in anger, you are their prisoner. Forgive and set yourself free.
- Be a victor, not a victim
- Failure only exists when YOU choose to give up
- Accept Your Circumstances
- Choose your response
- Lead by Example
- Serve others
- Understand There is no “There”
- Don’t ask “Why”‘ but ask “What for?”
- The Power of Choice Resides in Each of Us
Read the full story: “The Power of Choice – Reon Schutte”
Polish, Ukrainian Church Leaders Pledge Mutual Forgiveness
Catholic News Service, Warsaw, Poland – Catholic leaders in Poland and Ukraine last week pledged mutual forgiveness for the deaths of tens of thousands of civilians during World War II.
Archbishop Sviatoslav Shevchuk of Kiev-Halych (head of the Ukrainian Catholic Church) and Archbishop Jozef Michalik of Przemysl (president of the Polish bishops’ conference) asked forgiveness and also appealed to all Ukrainians and Poles in the world “to open their hearts and minds bravely to mutual forgiveness and reconciliation.”
“Neither violence nor ethnic cleansing can ever be a method of solving conflicts between neighboring peoples or nations, or justified on political, economic or religious grounds,” said the church leaders’ joint statement, published June 28 in Warsaw.
The statement was timed to commemorate the 1943-44 massacres in Volhynia and eastern Galicia, in which up to 100,000 Poles and Ukrainians were killed by rival sides under Nazi occupation.
Around 80,000 Poles were murdered in 1943-44 by fighters with the Ukrainian Insurgent Army in an ethnic cleansing campaign to clear non-Ukrainians from what would become Ukraine.
Dozens of Catholic priests were killed and churches burned during the atrocities, which peaked in July and August 1943. Polish self-defense groups in various regions retaliated with the murder of up to 30,000 Ukrainians.
Read the full story: Polish, Ukrainian church leaders mark anniversary of WWII massacres.
How Do You Forgive the Teen Who Murdered Your Son?
Jaime Gough was a curious 14-year-old Miami boy who loved sports and music. In 2004 his best friend Michael Hernandez lured him into their middle school bathroom with the promise of a revealing a secret. Instead he slit Jaime’s throat, stabbed him 42 times with a serrated folding knife, then casually walked back to class covered in blood.
According to his own journal, Hernandez wanted to be a serial killer and had to start somewhere. So he killed the easiest target, Jaime. His notes revealed ambitions of mass murder and a step-by-step plan of how to begin with those closest to him.
Jaime’s parents, Maria and George Gough, struggled through the ordeal of the funeral and then came the trial–the agonizing process of allowing the system to work. In the middle of that trial, they decided that the only way they could live with themselves was to forgive Michael.
“Maria and I have forgiven him,” George said. “When I put myself in the place of Michael’s parents I began to understand. They had lost their son too.”
In the nine years since Jaime’s death, Maria and George have been telling their story on TV, on the radio, and person to person. They have also turned their story into a book, From Fighting to Forgiving: Learning to Let Go, by Jason Wood. They believe they’ve kept Jaime alive by telling the tale, over and over. They say the “fruit of forgiveness” has honored and given Jaime a legacy, the process of showing other victims of tragedy how to let go of hate and anger.
Read the full story: How Do You Forgive the Kid Who Murdered Your Son?
Rabbi Ponders the Appropriateness of Forgiving the Boston Bomber
In a recent column in the Long Island (New York) Newsday newspaper, Rabbi Marc Gellman reflected on the moral appropriateness of forgiving the Boston bomber. I applaud Rabbi Gellman’s efforts in discussing the topic of forgiveness but want to clarify some of the points made by him and two readers who responded to his query of “Should we forgive the Boston bomber?” Let us examine six points from that article.
1. J, one of the readers who responded to Rabbi Gellman, implies that forgiveness means the same as pardon.
Forgiveness is not the same as pardon, as implied by J. Pardon involves letting one off the hook as well as the justice system; it does not center on interpersonal relations. Forgiveness is an inner personal release and pardon can be thought of as a public behavioral release. An example of pardon would be if the judge suspended or reduced punishment of the Boston bomber. The judge reducing the sentence was not the one personally hurt. We can forgive someone who is dead but we cannot pardon someone who is dead. Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he did.
2. Readers are asked to share their opinions regarding whether “We should forgive the surviving Boston bomber.”
Not everyone is in the position to forgive the Boston bomber as we can only forgive for the pain and hurt that wounds us personally. As Lewis B. Smedes (1996), the author of The Art of Forgiving, states, “Sometimes our lives are so bounded to the victim, that the injuries they suffer wound us too.” Example – wrong my kids, wrong me. And my hurt qualifies me to forgive you–but only for the pain I experienced. My children alone are qualified to forgive you for what you did to them. Thus, only the individuals personally affected, such as those who experienced an injury or had a loved one who experienced an injury, and/or were not able to finish the marathon because of the bombing have the right to forgive the bombers.
So, one not personally affected can forgive the bombers for the way he or she has been hurt, such as being afraid to go in large crowds because of the bombing, but they cannot forgive on behalf of another person. A response from another reader, R, talks about not forgiving the Boston bomber unless we also forgive other mass murderers. As stated before, we can only forgive for the way we were personally affected. Thus, individuals may be able to consider forgiving the Boston bomber if they were hurt by the Boston bomber, but not Adam Lanza (who killed 20 children and six adult staffers at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., along with his own mother), if they were not personally affected by his actions.
3. The question of forgiveness one month after the bombing is premature.
Forgiveness takes time. If it occurs too quickly, pseudo forgiveness may result. Robert Enright’s (2001) interpersonal Process Model of Forgiveness has 20 units. Although we are often told to forgive right away, forgiveness is not something that occurs overnight and is usually not one’s first instinct after being deeply injured. A hurt individual needs time to deal with his or her injury and negative feelings resulting from the injury. This usually involves feelings of shock, disbelief, anger and even hatred toward the offender. All of these feelings are normal and thus, it is wise to wait awhile after experiencing a deep hurt before considering the idea of forgiveness. J also mentions that God can be helpful when one forgives. This is true but one can also forgive if they are not religious and/or do not attend religious services.
4. As illustrated in this column, forgiveness appears to be equated with excusing the act and anger is not recognized as an important part of the forgiveness process.
R mentions how “forgiving any of these human monsters would devalue the lives of the innocent, decent people they killed and maimed.” Rabbi Gellman goes on to state how “muting our outrage at those who bring carnage to our country may end up weakening our resolve to seek justice because it humanizes the killers.” When we forgive we recognize the deep injustice for what it is and forgiving does not excuse or minimize the situation or experience of deep hurt.
Anger is also a very important part of the forgiveness process. Before one can forgive, he or she has to express his or her anger about being hurt. Holding onto and living with long-term anger can affect one physically and emotionally. Individuals criticize forgiveness because they do not realize the role anger has in the forgiveness process and why one needs to get angry before forgiving.
Thus, one does not mute their outrage when forgiving. They recognize the injury as deep, personal, and unfair and offer forgiveness nevertheless. It is also the case that a bit of anger may remain even after one has forgiven. The anger may not be as intense as before forgiving or as frequent but some may still be there when thinking about the injury and what happened. A decrease in anger is one of the first steps in the forgiveness process. As Lewis B. Smedes states, “When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it” (Famousquotesabout.com).
5. In the Newsday article it is implied that those who commit evil should not be viewed as human beings.
It is true that our need to be forgiven is most likely not on the same scale as the Boston bombers act of evil. However, one of the foundational themes of forgiveness is the idea of “Inherent Equality” meaning that “A person is a person now matter how small.” The idea behind inherent equality is that regardless of what someone does, he or she is still a human being, which is very difficult to accept for offenders of horrific acts of evil, such as the Boston bombings. However, because all people are human beings and part of the human community, all people have worth. As Smedes (1996) states, when we forgive, “We rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us.” This includes changing our view of the offender if it includes only seeing the offender as a monster. With forgiveness we see the offender as a person who shares our humanity, although to come to this place is one of the hardest parts of forgiveness.
6. Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive and one can forgive even if the offender does not apologize.
As stated in the article, we must seek justice for evil acts. However, this justice can occur alongside personal forgiveness, if the individuals personally hurt by the bombers choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice one makes for him- or herself. It cannot and should not be forced upon anyone. An individual should only offer forgiveness as a deliberate, conscious, and meaningful choice. This is true whether or not the person who has committed the wrong repents, asks for the forgiveness and/or even accepts it. Thus, Rabbi Gellman mentions his personal difficulty with forgiving a repentant killer. An apology certainly makes forgiveness easier but it is not necessary to receive one to be able to forgive. Making an apology a requirement before one can personally forgive is like reinjuring the victim as he or she is trapped in an unforgiving state unable to heal and move on until he or she receives something from the injurer. In contrast, an apology would be an important requirement before one chooses to reconcile with an offender.
Thus, can one forgive the Boston bombers? The answer is yes; individuals personally affected by the bombing can forgive as one way to heal. But one needs to personally choose to forgive while realizing that one has a right to anger, that forgiveness takes time, and that justice can occur alongside personal forgiveness. J is correct when he states that forgiveness is not easy. In fact, it is one of the hardest things to do in life as forgiving requires a great deal of effort, hard work, and courage. But the physical and psychological benefits that are associated with forgiving make the effort and hard work well worth it.
Suzanne Freedman, Professor, University of Northern Iowa
