Our Forgiveness Blog

Some Advice on the 20-Step Process Model of Forgiveness

Please keep in mind that this is not some kind of neat-and-tidy process through which you will be progressing in a steplike fashion. Forgiveness is not that predictable. You may find yourself going back to parts of the process you thought you had conquered long ago. For example, you may be near the end of the process and discover that you still harbor considerable anger toward the person (anger comes near the beginning of the entire forgiveness process). You then may cycle back to the beginning, do some work on your anger , and jump back to the end of the process. Be ready to go backward and forward in the forgiveness process, depending on your particular needs with a particular person whom you are currently forgiving. 

Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 834-839). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition. 

Generalizing from the Particular to the Universal

You know how it goes.  You go into a department store and have an unpleasant encounter with the person at checkout…..and you never go back there again.  The particular incident has given you a bad feeling for the entire organization.

You break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and, at least for a while, you think that no one really can be trusted.  This one relationship makes you mistrustful of such relationships in general.

Generalization.  It can help us when the generalization is true and can distort reality for us when false.  For example, when we touch poison ivy in one woods, it is wise to avoid it in the next….and the next.  The effects of poison ivy generalize regardless of which plant we touch.  On the other hand, one boyfriend’s bad behavior does not predict another person’s behavior.  In this case, generalization closes down our mind and heart when there is no need for this.

When you are hurt by someone, you have to be careful not to generalize this to many, most, or all others.  Not everyone is out to hurt you.  Such generalization can form the unhealthy foundation for a world view that is pessimistic and inaccurate.  Has this happened to you?

If so, it is time to fight back against this.  Try saying the following to yourself as a way to break the habit of a false view of others:

I have been wounded by another person. For today, I will not let his/her wounds make me a bitter person who thinks negatively about people in general. I will overcome any tendency toward this by seeing others as having special worth, not because of what they have done, but in spite of this.  We are all on this planet together; we are all wounded.  Not all are out to wound me.

Robert

A Specific Exercise for Couples

Those of you who have the absolute perfect spouse, please raise you hand……anyone?

Now, those of you who are the absolute perfect spouse, please raise your hand…..I see no hands up.

OK, so we have established that we are not perfect and neither is our partner. Yet, we can always improve. Note carefully that I am not suggesting that you read this to improve your partner. I write it to improve you, the reader.

Here is a little exercise that I recommend for any couple. Together, talk out the hurts that you received in your family of origin, where you grew up. Let the other know of your emotional wounds. This exercise is not meant to cast blame on anyone in your family of origin. Instead, the exercise is meant for each of you to deepen your insight into who your partner is. Knowing his wounds is one more dimension of knowing him as a person. As you each identify the wounds from your past, try to see what you, personally are bringing into the relationship from that past. Try to see what your partner is bringing in.

Now, together, work on forgiving those from your family of origin who have wounded you. Support one another in the striving to grow in the virtue of forgiveness. The goal is to wipe the resentment-slate clean so that you are not bringing those particular wounds to the breakfast table (and lunch table and dinner table) every day.

Then, when you are finished forgiving those family members from the past, work on forgiving your partner for those wounds brought into your relationship, and at the same time, seek forgiveness from him or her for the woundedness you bring to your relationship. Then, see if the relationship improves. All of this is covered in greater depth in my new book, The Forgiving Life.

Robert

Why Forgiveness Education Matters

We have forgiveness education curriculum guides for teachers, parents, and school counselors in our Store. The guides show you, step-by-step, how to implement forgiveness education for about one hour a week or less to children as young as age 4 or as old as age 17. The medium for instructing students on forgiveness is through stories. We have summaries of these stories for your examination and use as you wish.

Our research shows that as students learn about forgiveness, they become less angry and can increase in academic achievement. After all, if someone is fuming internally, it is hard to pay attention to the regular school subjects.

Take a look below at what teachers in Milwaukee’s central-city are saying after teaching forgiveness for 12 to 15 weeks, about one hour a week:

Highlights of the evaluations (four-year averages) are as follows:

• 91% of the teachers found the forgiveness curriculum materials easy to use.

• 75% of the teachers observed that, as a whole, the students decreased in anger as a result of learning about forgiveness.

• 78% of the teachers observed that the students increased in cooperation as a result of learning about forgiveness.

• 71% of the teachers observed that, as a whole, the students improved in their academic achievement as a result of learning about forgiveness.

• 91% of the teachers thought that they became a better overall instructor as a result of teaching the forgiveness curriculum.

• 93% of the teachers thought that they became a better person as a result of teaching the forgiveness curriculum.

• 84% of the teachers thought that their classrooms as a whole began to function better as a result of the forgiveness curriculum.

• 76% of the teachers thought that the school as a whole began to show improvement because of the forgiveness education program.

Robert

Mother Forgives Suspects in Fatal Shooting of Her Daughter

The Fresno Bee, Fresno, CA – The mother of a 9-year-old girl killed by a stray bullet fired in a gang shootout said she forgives the men responsible and hopes “they can find peace in their hearts.”

Stacey Gonzales and her daughter, Janessa Ramirez, were chatting with friends in front of a Laundromat on Jan. 18 when Janessa was hit by the stray bullet and soon after died at a local hospital. Brian Cooks, 22, and Isaac Stafford, 19, were arrested and charged with murder less than two weeks later. It was Gonzales’ forgiveness that broke the case open.

“When our detectives told Brian Cooks, ‘Janessa’s mother has forgiven you,’ he broke,” according to Fresno Police Chief Jerry Dyer. “And then he began to tell the truth (about firing the fatal shot). Forgiveness is powerful.”

Gonzalez told reporters, “I forgive them, and I love them, and I hope they find the Lord … Because now I have my full peace. My baby is in a better place.”