Our Forgiveness Blog
A Specific Forgiveness Exercise for Couples
Those of you who have the absolute perfect spouse, please raise you hand……anyone?
Now, those of you who are the absolute perfect spouse, please raise your hand…..I see no hands up.
OK, so we have established that we are not perfect and neither is our partner. Yet, we can always improve. Note carefully that I am not suggesting that you read this to improve your partner. I write it to improve you, the reader.
Here is a little exercise that I recommend for any couple. Together, talk out the hurts that you received in your family of origin, where you grew up. Let the other know of your emotional wounds. This exercise is not meant to cast blame on anyone in your family of origin. Instead, the exercise is meant for each of you to deepen your insight into who your partner is. Knowing his wounds is one more dimension of knowing him as a person. As you each identify the wounds from your past, try to see what you, personally are bringing into the relationship from that past. Try to see what your partner is bringing in.
Now, together, work on forgiving those from your family of origin who have wounded you. Support one another in the striving to grow in the virtue of forgiveness. The goal is to wipe the resentment-slate clean so that you are not bringing those particular wounds to the breakfast table (and lunch table and dinner table) every day. Then, when you are finished forgiving those family members from the past, work on forgiving your partner for those wounds brought into your relationship, and at the same time, seek forgiveness from him or her for the woundedness you bring to your relationship. Then, see if the relationship improves. All of this is covered in greater depth in my new book, The Forgiving Life.
Robert
In Memorium: Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)
We are aware that Nelson Mandela was a controversial figure in this life. He admitted to 156 acts of violence as a young man. Apparently, his view was to counteract oppression and violence with violence.
Yet, people change, sometimes toward bitterness and despair, other times toward a greater vision that we are all in this together. Mr. Mandela seems to have transformed in prison to seeing the humanity in all with the one exception of the unborn. Yes, he had a flaw there in not seeing deeply enough into the humanity of the most vulnerable.
It is for his stand against the evils of apartheid, a stand that ultimately became non-violent, that we say thank you. Thank you, Mr. Mandela, for your unwavering vision and amazing courage. You guided a nation in transition away from violence. It could have been very different.
One case in point: he invited his jailer to an honored place for the Presidential Inaugural Address.
He showed by his actions that forgiveness is the way back for South Africa.
As another case in point: How many reprisals against apartheid happened after he was elected? People listened.
“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Nelson Mandela.
He did not always see clearly, but he matured to see that political violence is no solution at all.
Rest in peace.
Helpful Forgiveness Hint
When starting to be a forgiver (someone who forgives consistently), try to begin with hurts that are not so large. It is not unlike starting an exercise program. If you try to run 5 miles the first day or to bench press too much weight too soon, you get quite sore, quite discouraged, and may stop exercising. If you start slowly, you build up strength so that you can handle the longer run or the challenging bench press. Start forgiving someone who has not gravely hurt you and work up to those who have.
Robert
On Lowered Expectations of Injustice
We can get so annoyed so easily. A traffic jam….and we are annoyed.
A colleague late for the meeting…..and we are annoyed.
A spouse who is taking too long in the changing room at the clothing store…..and we are annoyed.
Spend a little time with a homeless person and then ask yourself if the above three are big or minor annoyances. When I pass a homeless person, I can tell that he expects me to not see him. He thinks he is invisible.
He is not.
Just yesterday, in leaving a restaurant with a good friend, there was a dear homeless person on the corner. It was a cold evening. He smiled. We gave him our “take out box” and he beamed. He laughed and with arms outstretched, he proclaimed, “God bless you.”
So amazing. He has nothing….no home…..and he thinks he is invisible to the rest of the world.
Yet, he is rich because he has gratitude and love in his heart.
We decided, after having traversed a block on making our way to the safety and warmth of our homes, to turn back and give him some money along with the food. He was eating, saw us coming, and with outstretched arms, welcomed us with a “God bless you.”
He seems to have no resentment in his heart…..even when outside….without a home…..in the cold of an early winter……even while seeing that others do not see him.
Robert
Note: We are filing this in the category of Famous People. The homeless are not invisible and we did not want this uncategorized post to become invisible.
Thanksgiving Is Coming: Three Ways to Avoid the Family Dreads
In the United States, Thanksgiving is celebrated annually on the fourth Thursday of November. It is a custom going back to the 17th century when immigrants and those native to this land celebrated together with a feast. The tradition has continued for about 300 years.
Yesterday, while teaching a class on the psychology of forgiveness, I mentioned that next week the students likely will be getting together with family and extended family. Some of the students rolled their eyes, others groaned (as civilly as they could within a classroom setting, but the pain was obvious).
So, how can we avoid the “family dreads,” the restless, uncomfortable feeling of being face-to-face once again with those who have caused hurt and toward whom there may be some resentment?
Here are three suggestions:
1. First, acknowledge the pain. Do not run from it. After all, pain is a speedy little thing and always seems to be right behind us no matter how hard we run.
2. Practice now to see the inherent worth in that person. That person has a built-in value even when behaving badly. All people are unique, special, and irreplaceable. Start realizing that now before you pass the mashed potatoes to him or her.
3. Stop the pattern of treating this person as if he or she were invisible. Make eye contact. Smile (after all, this is a person who is special, unique, and irreplaceable). You need not say a thing. The eye contact and smile may be a good start.
And enjoy the journey that is life. That journey was never supposed to be pain-free. You can reduce the pain in you, and perhaps in the other, by recognizing the humanity in the other. They are not invisible to you. Show that you see them…and that they are special despite hurtful patterns in the past.
Robert
