Our Forgiveness Blog
Former Miss South Carolina Forgives Her Sister’s Killer
Statesville Record and Landmark, Statesville, NC – It would be easy to understand if Dawn Smith Jordan talked about sadness, anger, even vengeance.
Instead, the former Miss South Carolina chooses to speak of serenity, faith and forgiveness.
That was tough for Dawn to do at the age of 21 when her 17-year-old sister, Shari, was kidnapped from the driveway of her Lexington, S.C., home and murdered in 1985.
During the five days between the kidnapping and when her sister’s body was found, the killer called the Smiths eight times, each time talking with Dawn. He told her he planned on doing the same thing to her that he did to Shari.
Several years later, with the killer on death row, Dawn decided she needed to forgive. “You can’t live your life to the fullest if you’re stuck in unforgiveness,” she said.
Dawn said she learned about forgiveness from her mother. “She lost her daughter in a horrific manner and she forgave. She pressed on because she had two other children that needed her,” she said.
Dawn, who shares her forgiveness philosophy as a Christian singer, songwriter, author and speaker, is also the founder of Dawn Smith Jordan Ministries, Inc. According to her website, Dawn has learned “to not only forgive her sister’s murderer, but to daily choose forgiveness as a path to healing and wholeness. The brightest future will always be based not on a forgotten past, but on a forgiven past.”
Read more about Dawn’s decision to forgive: “Message of forgiveness buoys her, decades after tragedy” 0r visit her website.
Why Forgive?
Here are some reasons to forgive:
1) so that I will feel better.
2) so that the other person, in seeing mercy in me, might change course and start having mercy.
3) so that the one who offended me and I might reconcile.
4) so that I might be an example for others.
5) so that I can grow in the virtue of forgiving and become a forgiving person.
6) so that I can get proficient enough in this virtue to be able to pass it along to others.
7) just because. Extending goodness is good in and of itself.
Of all of these reasons, #7 shows the intrinsic beauty of forgiveness. All others also are honorable because they recognize the importance of persons and of relationships. Even #1 is a good reason and is not self-serving if I am trying to get better so that I can give goodness to others and not just to the self.
Which of the seven reasons describes you the best?
For more reasons why forgiveness is the right thing to do physically, spiritually and socially, visit the Why Forgive section of this website.
Dr. Bob
Do You Want to Become a Forgiving Person?
Part of being a forgiving person is to know the forgiveness process and to practice it. As you understand that process more and more and become comfortable with it, you will find that this is a good beginning to being a forgiving person. At the same time, practice and feeling comfortable with this practice is not enough to transform yourself into a genuinely forgiving person. You will need to begin to foster a sense of deep connection with forgiveness. As an analogy, people can spend their whole lives working at a job or a profession but not really connect in a deep way with it. “I am someone who goes into nursing homes, does what I am told, and gets a paycheck,” is one way to see oneself. “I am someone who serves the elderly. That is not just what I do. It is a part of who I am.” This thought is much deeper than the first one. Can you begin practicing forgiveness regularly and deeply enough so that it becomes a part of you?
Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 1534-1542). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
Extending the Love of Forgiveness in New Directions
As we practice the love of forgiveness, don’t be surprised if that love spills over into other areas of your life. Here is one heart warming story that a friend, who practices forgiveness daily, told to me:
“When I was riding my bike yesterday, a homeless woman was pushing a shopping cart that contained, in all likelihood, all of her worldly possessions. I stopped and said, ‘Excuse me…’ She looked afraid and startled, which is typical in the homeless world because people usually hurt them rather than help them. Then I said to her, ‘Would you please do me a favor and hold this for me?’ I then put a $20 bill in her hand. She looked at the money and started to laugh….and then I laughed. And she thanked me and had very soft eyes toward me. I then continued the ride…..with a warmer heart than when I started out.”
Dr. Bob
You Forgive and the Other Denies Wrongdoing: Now What?
In a recent story in our Forgiveness News section, “Forgiving Muammar Gaddafi for the Lockerbie Bombing,” we reported on Lisa Gibson, whose brother died in the Lockerbie, Scotland airplane bombing (Pan Am 103). She attempted to forgive both Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, the only one convicted in the case, and Muammar Gaddafi, suspected to have masterminded the plot.
Both denied any connection with the bombing. Now what? How should Lisa Gibson deal with the forgiveness? Does she withdraw the attempt until at least one of them admits to wrongdoing of some kind, either planning or carrying out the deed? Does she go ahead anyway?
What should you do when you are about to forgive someone who denies any wrongdoing?
It seems to us that the first step is to take a little step backward and ask: Am I correct here in thinking that this person (or people) acted unjustly toward me? Of course, one need not have the kind of evidence required by a court of law because you are not being the judge over this person. You are not sentencing him or her to prison.
If, upon further reflection, you conclude that the person was unjust to you, then we recommend that you go ahead anyway, despite any howls of opposition from the person. Further, you need not tell him or her that you have forgiven. You can do so from the heart and then demonstrate your forgiveness by how you interact with or talk about the person.
The bottom line is this: You should not be held captive by another’s denial of wrongdoing. If your reflection leads you to conclude that he or she was unjust to you, then go ahead. Forgiveness is about freedom, including the freedom to make your own decisions about whom and when to forgive.
Dr. Bob
