Ask Dr. Forgiveness
My friend recently ended a very challenging marriage with her husband. The struggles lasted for years. She now tells me that, after the divorce, she has forgiven. She says it was easy for her to do. I am wondering: Do you think she really did forgive easily or maybe was she working on forgiveness, over and over, without necessarily realizing it?
I think there are three possible explanations here:
- Your friend has not yet forgiven and her proclamation of forgiveness is a psychological defense mechanism, possibly a reaction formation (responding in a way opposite of what one is truly feeling as a protection against anxiety). If this is true, then her anger likely will surface once she is in a psychologically safe place to feel that anger.
- She really has forgiven easily. This could be the case if your friend is someone who is well-practiced at the virtue of forgiveness. Do you know her well enough to know if she practices forgiveness toward others, in essence leading a life of forgiveness? If so, then getting to the end of forgiveness in this case could be easy for her because of all the accumulated practice in forgiving.
- As you say, she could have been doing some subtle work on forgiving as the marriage struggles were present and continuing. If this is the case, she probably will be able to recall instances in which she tried to see the inherent worth of her husband as the conflicts were occurring. This would be an indication of her doing the forgiveness work, perhaps over a long period of time, so that there was not a sudden and easy emergence of forgiving.
There is an expression, “It is easier said than done.” My question centers on parents who model a hot temper and bad behavior that then can be passed to the children. Under these circumstances, if parents then start asking children to forgive each other, will this just lead nowhere because of the bad habits already learned from these parents?
It never is too late to forgive. If the parents have modeled anger and unforgiveness, then it may be harder for the children to learn to put the anger aside and to forgive. This does not imply that the children’s learning to forgive will be impossible. It does mean that the parents first need to gain insight that their own behaviors have led the children into anger and possibly revenge-seeking. Further, the parents may have to work harder at the forgiveness lessons and, at the same time, change their own behaviors so that they become models of forgiveness for the children. The moral virtues are not set in stone for any given person. We all can grow in those virtues with both support from others (in this case, the parents) and practice.
What is the difference between forgiveness and acceptance and does the first one truly have an impact on the angry feelings? What is the mechanism that help us forgive someone who made us angry? Thank you.
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I am having a hard time discerning the person’s intentions toward me when I was hurt. Can you give me some clues for knowing the other’s intentions?
It is more difficult to ascertain intentions or motives than behavior because these often are internal responses hidden from view. Yet, at times, you can get a sense of intentions by the language the other uses. For example, has the person told you that you deserved the behavior or you somehow had it coming because of your behavior? If so, this is a rather clear indication of an intent to behave in certain ways toward you. On the other hand, did the person express regret or show remorse because you were hurt? If the person shows surprise toward your struggle to understand and forgive, then the intention to hurt you probably was not there.
I offended someone I love. I have asked for forgiveness. How can I be sure that the other truly is forgiving me rather than just stringing me along, still angry and subtly seeking some form of revenge?
A key in seeing whether or not the other is accepting your apology is this: Is the person not only using words (such as “I forgive you”) but also showing you that you are a valuable person? Subtle put-downs without this sense of value will show you that the person is not yet forgiving. This does not mean that forgiving will never happen. Sometimes people go up and down in their forgiving and so the one who is seeking forgiveness needs patience to let the other do the work of forgiving that can take time.
