Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What are some key reasons why people will not let go of their anger when treated unfairly by others?

While there are many reasons for holding onto anger, here are a few of these for your consideration:

Sometimes, people feel a sense of power by holding on to the anger.  They feel as if no one will be able to treat them badly if they have a deeply assertive attitude.  Of course, one can be assertive without being angry, but at times people link these two (being powerful and being angry) together.

At times, people are unaware of the damage being done to one’s inner world by holding on to the anger.  It is as if there will be no negative consequences for keeping such deep and abiding anger inside.  Therefore, the person clings to the anger thinking that no harm can be done by doing this.

At other times, people are denying the depth of their anger, thinking that a little anger will not hurt them when, in fact, they have much more of this emotion than they realize.  At such times, it is important to uncover the depth of the anger for the sake of the offended person’s well-being and for the well-being of those with whom there is frequent interactions.

How can I know whether my anger is controlling me or whether I am in control of my anger?

You can ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I dwelling on what happened to me? Do I ruminate often on the other person and the situation that was unfair to me?

2. Does this rumination interfere with my sleep?

3. Am I too tired too often?

4. Do I think what happened to me is interfering with my getting on with life, with my achieving meaning and purpose in life?

If you answer yes to most of these questions, then the anger may be in control.  Forgiving can lead to an answer of “no” to most or all of these questions.  It is then that you will see that you are in control of your anger.

You discuss in the Uncovering Phase of forgiveness that a person should examine defense mechanisms.  For example, might I be in denial that the other truly was unjust?  Since defense mechanisms usually are hidden from the one who is denying, how are we to uncover these defense mechanisms?

I think there are two keys to uncovering the defense mechanisms.

First, if the one who is considering forgiveness does not think that there is a solution to the inner pain, then this fear can prevent an opening up to reality, to the true conclusion that “I have been wronged and I am in pain.”  When this potential forgiver sees that forgiveness is a safety net to getting rid of that inner pain, then opening up to what really happened is more likely.

Second, as the potential forgiver sees the extent of the inner pain (which can be deeper than is first discerned), then this realization of deep inner pain can be a motivation to move forward with healing.  This courageous decision to move forward helps people to see even more clearly now that the pain must be confronted, which can weaken the defense of denial.

How can I be sure that the other person truly acted unjustly?  In other words, is it possible that I am misinterpreting the situation and there really was no injustice against me?

I would recommend that you scrutinize the issue in three ways:

1. What was the actual behavior of the other? Was the action against your own interest, such as an act that put you in some kind of danger (unsafe behavior or words that demean you)?

2. What were the circumstances? Was the other, for example, in a difficult situation in which there was little time to reflect and therefore to act wisely?  Was the other in a situation that itself could lead to injury such as speeding in a car?

3. Although it is difficult to ascertain the motives of other people, what do you think was motivating the other person? Was there a goal to hurt you?

As you reflect on the other’s behavior, circumstance, and motive, this may help you decide whether the other person truly was unjust or not to you.  At times, not all three issues have to be present.  For example, suppose the person was texting while driving, with no intent to hurt you (no motive to hurt).  Yet, the behavior and the circumstance are such that this activity is risky.  Therefore, a conclusion of injustice is justified.

Is a forgiving community even possible for people who have been oppressed by injustice?  Don’t we have to validate the injustice and even overcome it first?

One can validate oppression by acknowledging it and calling it what it is: unfair.  One can own one’s legitimate anger over the oppression.  Yet, if one waits to actually solve the injustice before forgiving, then those who are oppressing win twice: once with original and ongoing oppression and second by having the oppressed people living under a constant state of unhealthy anger or resentment. That resentment, over time, might be so strong as to destroy individuals and families within that oppressed community.  Forgiveness without a correction of the injustice at the very least solves that one problem of destructive resentment.