Ask Dr. Forgiveness
You use the expression, after forgiving, “You now are in control of your anger rather than your anger controlling you.” How do I know if I am in control of the anger?
You can start by asking yourself these questions: 1) Is your anger leading to strained relationships in the family, with friends, and in the workplace? 2) Are you discontented or more settled in your life, even if your circumstances are not the best? 3) Are you less tired than you were before you started to forgive? 4) Are you thinking less about the situation or about the same? If your relationships are doing better (with no displacement of the anger onto others), if you are more settled, less tired, and thinking less about the situation, I would conclude that the anger is no longer controlling you.
I am concerned about learning through observation. If children see parents arguing frequently, sometimes intensively, will these children, in the future, engage in bullying others in school or even be a contentious partner in adulthood?
This depends on what the child, who now is an adolescent or an adult, has learned from what was observed about the parents. It is possible that the person might gain wisdom from the parents’ fighting and realize that such a pattern is not healthy. Thus, the person may deliberately commit to not following the parents’ behavior. In contrast, if the person does not reflect on the potentially destructive pattern, then, yes, the person may grow up to show bullying behaviors in school and to repeat the pattern of a conflictual relationship with a partner. In other words, insight along with a commitment to not imitate the conflictual behavior might spare the person from repeating the parents’ behavioral pattern.
I am trying to forgive, but at times I have these feelings of revenge. Is this part of the forgiveness process or am I doing something wrong?
Feelings of revenge can be part of the preliminary process before a person commits to forgiveness. In other words, the process of forgiveness allows for a period of anger. At the same time, you do not want to act on revenge-feelings, but instead realize that revenge-seeking can harm both you (because of harsh emotions that can lead to anxiety or depression) and the other person. So, feelings of revenge are not part of the forgiveness process itself but can be present prior to the decision to forgive. Forgiving can go a long way in eliminating feelings of revenge.
I have tried cognitive and cognitive-behavioral therapies and they do not work in a deep way for me. In other words, I can change my thinking about the situation, try not to see it as a catastrophe, but still I have unsettled emotions inside that need healing. Can forgiveness aid the recovery of more positive emotions and, if so, how does this occur?
Yes, you could include forgiveness in your therapeutic work. In contrast to the therapies in which you have engaged, forgiveness goes beyond the examination of your symptoms in the context of the injustice(s) against you. Forgiveness therapy goes to the root cause of the continued emotional upset by having you do the work of focusing on the one who hurt you, trying to see this person as someone who possesses inherent worth. As you see the other’s worth, this can enhance a sense of empathy and compassion toward the other and this has the paradoxical effect of lowering the temperature of your anger. So, adding forgiveness to your program likely will be beneficial for you. I wish you the very best in your healing journey.
Even though I forgive people, I still can get angry when I think back to the person and the situation. It seems to me that I have not forgiven. What do you think?
When we forgive, all of the anger does not necessarily leave us. We still can have residual feelings that include anger, sadness, and disappointment. If these emotions are not frequent and intense, and if you have gone through the forgiveness process and are wishing the other well (even if you cannot reconcile), then I think you are forgiving. This does not mean that there is no more work to do. When the negative emotions surface, consider going through the forgiveness process again. It likely will be quicker and take away, once again, some of the negative emotions.
