Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If a person denies the injustice that happened to him, is it possible for the trauma to continue to exist in his subconscious? Could this be what is the root of some people’s depression?
When a person is in denial from a serious injustice, then the effects of that injustice can still very much live within the person. As you say, there may be a subconscious acknowledgement of the trauma which can increase anger. The effects of the trauma also can include fatigue, feeling unsafe, and displacing anger onto other people. These effects of the trauma can work in the person’s favor in this way: The person likely will be able to see and acknowledge at least some of these effects such as fatigue and anxiety. These discomforts can open up discussion about the causes of them, which eventually can lead back to a conscious (rather than a subconscious) acknowledgement of the trauma. Once the person acknowledges the trauma, then a discussion of forgiving the other person for that trauma might commence.
How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?
Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings. Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface. For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger. Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable. So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.
How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?
I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce. With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection. In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children. After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children. This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present. Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children. When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.
When I do the forgiveness work, I try to take what you call the personal perspective of the one who hurt me. Yet, how much of this work must be factual rather than speculative?
As you say, we ask people who forgive to take what I call the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives. The personal perspective deals with facts, to the best of your ability to gather those facts about how the other person was raised and the challenges faced in life. If you have no knowledge of the other person’s past, then I recommend that you move to the global perspective in which you begin to see the common humanity that both of you share. You do not need to know precise details of that person’s history to know that you both: 1) have unique DNA, making both of you special and unique; 2) must have adequate nutrition to be healthy; 3) will bleed if cut; and, as one more example, 4) will both die someday. Seeing your common humanity may aid you in softening your heart toward the person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this.
How do we know when the anger inside is unhealthy?
Here are some questions you can ask yourself, the answers to which will help you see whether or not the anger is unhealthy or not:
1). How much anger do you have inside on a 1 to 10 scale, ranging from 1 (no anger) to 10 (an extreme amount of anger)? A score in the 7 to 10 range is worth noting.
2). How often do you have this anger? If you have it for much of the day for most days and this has lasted for weeks or months, then this is worth noting.
3). Do you have difficulty concentrating on tasks which you need to complete on any given day? If so, how often is this happening? Again, if this occurs on most days, this is worth noting.
4). Does your anger interfere with your sleep?
5). Does the anger interfere with your energy level in that you are tired more often than you should be?
6). Is the anger interfering with your happiness in life?
If your answer is yes to questions 4 through 6, and if your anger is abiding in you, as seen in questions 1 through 3, then you should consider the probability that your anger is in need of correction. If you have been treated unjustly by other people, then forgiveness may be a good way of regulating this unhealthy anger.
