Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You talk about uncovering repressed memories so that the anger can come out. Yet, is it ever advantageous to keep some repression, or not remembering the details of what happened to me?

Repression is a psychological defense mechanism of not remembering that which might be upsetting to you.  Psychological defenses in the short run can be helpful in that they keep specific ideas about past trauma away from a person who is not ready to deal with those traumas.  So, yes, in the short run it can be advantageous to repress (and people are unaware that they are repressing), but in the long run, if the repression is leading to pent-up anger and anxiety, it is best to uncover the events and the persons who caused the trauma so that forgiveness of the unjustly-acting person can begin.

Which is better, group forgiveness therapy or individual forgiveness therapy?

Both can be effective, as seen in the research section of the book, Forgiveness Therapy, APA Books, 2015.  Yet, statistics show that one-on-one therapy (of at least 12 or more sessions once a week for 12 weeks) is more effective than brief therapy (which is about 4 to 8 sessions).

If I start to forgive, I have to look back at the past, at what happened to me. I am afraid to do that as it opens up deep emotional wounds. What do you suggest?

When you forgive a person, you focus on the qualities of that person, including the effort to see this person as possessing inherent worth.  Yet, you need not go back in your mind and dwell on the unjust event itself.  Once you have determined that the actions were unjust, you then can set aside the details of the injustice against you as you forgive.  A focus on the event is not the same as focusing on who this one is as a person.

How can we keep forgiveness initiatives going in schools and social groups, such as correctional institutions?

I have calmed down a lot toward my ex-partner. Does this mean that I have forgiven him?

Forgiving is much more than just calming down.  This is the case because some people calm down because they have dismissed from their life the one who was unfair.  When a person calms down, there is not necessarily a sense of goodness toward the other, only an inner state that is no longer angry.  Forgiveness is an active virtue of trying to be good to those who were not good to the forgiver.  A calm inner world is not necessarily that.