Ask Dr. Forgiveness

If a person begins to forgive and then decides that he is no longer ready, is it OK to slow down or even stop the process?  If I did that, I feel that it would be unfair to the person who is asking to be forgiven.

There are two issues here. The first is the offended person’s forgiveness process and the other is the feelings and needs of the one who wants to be forgiven. The first issue is basically care of the self, which we have to do. As long as the one forgiving is slowing down or stopping for a good reason, then it is fine to back off, rest, and try to gain strength before pressing on to forgive. Forgiveness is hard work. A reason that is not good is this: slowing down the process to frustrate the other person. This, of course, would be revenge, which is not even close to the process of forgiveness. So, slowing down or stopping for now can simply show the forgiver how hard it is to sustain this virtue.

The second issue concerns the needs of the one who wants forgiveness. Again, we are presuming a good reason for the forgiver’s slowing down. Under this circumstance, it is part of the offending person’s bearing the pain in waiting. There are no guarantees once a person asks for forgiveness and so part of that process is to have patience and to give the forgiver a chance to grow into a forgiving response. The waiting can be painful, but if endured for the sake of the forgiver, it can lead to forgiving, receiving the forgiveness, and reconciling.

My identity is kind of damaged since I left an abusive relationship.  I forgave, but because I did not reconcile, I think of myself as a failure.  I need your help on this.

I recommend that you make this important distinction: Did you fail in the relationship or did the one who abused you cause that failure?  For instance, if the other stopped the abuse and you were able to trust, would you have left the relationship?  I think the answer is no, you would not have left the relationship.  My point is this: You tried, but the other did not make it possible for you to continue with the relationship.  You did not fail and I urge you to say this to yourself so that you can stand in the truth that you did what you could.

You just talked about forgiving and reconciling being more complete than forgiving alone.  Yet, it seems to me that there are three issues that need to work together for a more complete package: forgiving, the offender seeking forgiveness, and then genuine reconciliation.  What do you think?

Yes, I agree that forgiving, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation are ideal, if this can occur with mutual trust.  We have been talking about these three working together for about 3 decades and we call this “the forgiveness triangle.”

You tend to de-couple forgiving and reconciling, but to me both forgiving and reconciling are more of a complete package than one or the other.  What do you think?

Yes, if a person can forgive and then reconcile with the other, this is more complete in terms of the relationship than forgiving alone. Yet sometimes we have no choice but to only forgive because the other refuses to change hurtful behavior.  So, being able to forgive and to reconcile constitute a more ideal situation, but forgiving by itself still is very important because this forgiving can set you free from resentment, which could last for the rest of your life.

If I choose not to forgive, do you think my happiness in the future might be ok if my situation changes for the better?

While the changed situation can lead to more happiness (if the new situation gives you satisfaction or even joy), your degree of happiness might be compromised by resentment in the heart if you were treated deeply unjustly and have not reduced that resentment.  Forgiving can reduce or even eliminate that resentment, opening you to increased happiness in the future.  So, an improved situation and forgiving others for past injustices both can contribute to your happiness.