Ask Dr. Forgiveness
You recently asked me how power can help me overcome the anger within. Well, I will tell you. If I can get back at the one who was ridiculous to me, then I get rid of the anger. You as a psychologist should know this. The name of this cleansing is called catharsis, right?
Catharsis or “letting it all out” will not necessarily cleanse your anger in the long run. Yes, you may feel empowered for a short time, but if the injustice against you is deep, then the internal effects on you can last for many years. For example, we have worked in a hospice situation in which some of the participants in our forgiveness intervention had been carrying anger within them for over 40 years. Nothing they had tried cleansed that anger until, 40 years later, they made the choice to forgive.
Power makes me a man. Forgiveness makes me a wimp. Hey, I like those 2 sentences. Maybe you can use them in your forgiveness talks. Really now, don’t you think that humans are made for power……you know, the survival of the fittest.
There is a big difference between power **over** others and power **for** others. The former leads to domination, which might lead you eventually to have to forgive yourself for treating people as pawns in your quest for domination over them. On the other hand, power **for** others means that you use what influence or skills you have to make a better world for others. This can require strength of character, patience, altruism, and even suffering for those others. So, which form of power are you discussing: power **over** or power **for**? This distinction makes all the difference.
You just made a distinction between power **over** and power **for.** I will take power **over** all the time because this power **for** others usually results in my being taken advantage of. No thank you. I am better off being the one in charge.
Your trust seems to be damaged. If so, this idea of power **over** others may be a defense mechanism to aid you in not being hurt again. Am I correct about this? If so, then your quest for power **over** others will not heal your inner wounds caused by others. Of course, I could be wrong about this, but please introspect for a while to see if you have unresolved inner wounds in need of healing. Please write back if you have new insights.
If I forgive and then do not want to interact any longer with the person, is this false forgiveness or what you call pseudo-forgiveness?
No, this is not necessarily false or pseudo-forgiveness. This is the case because to forgive and to reconcile are not the same. Forgiveness is a moral virtue; reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust. If the other’s behavior continues to be hurtful, with no change in sight, then your not wanting to reconcile seems reasonable, at least for now until the other truly changes. If, in contrast, the other is now trustworthy and you do not want to interact, perhaps you still are harboring resentment. In this case, continuing to forgive might open the door to a genuine reconciliation.
I am amazed that some people still do not understand and appreciate forgiveness, whether it is the giving or the receiving of it. Why are there so many people who don’t understand or accept forgiveness?
I think one reason why people do not understand forgiveness is because we so rarely take forgiveness deeply seriously in any society. For example, when have you heard, in a family or a classroom, an extended discussion of what forgiveness is and why it is important? I think it is time to change that and start discussions of what forgiveness is and what it is not. Why some reject forgiveness, I think, has two answers. First, some people misunderstand forgiveness as weakness or as automatic reconciliation with hurtful other people. Second, some people are so profoundly angry that their resentment then gets in the way of their own healing as they reject the idea of forgiveness.
