Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You emphasize getting to know the person in a broader sense, who is the offender.  Yet, what if the other is unknown to me?  How am I supposed to widen my view of this stranger?

We tend to emphasize three cognitive approaches in the forgiveness process.  The first is the Personal Perspective, in which the forgiver examines the personal history of the offending person, examining incidents in which this person has been hurt by others.  If you do not know the one who offended, then you cannot answer the questions in the Personal Perspective.  Yet, we also have what we call the Global Perspective in which the forgiver sees the shared inherent worth of both the offending person and the self.  After all, each is a person and all persons are unique, which makes each special and irreplaceable.  A third perspective, for those who have transcendent beliefs, is the Cosmic Perspective.  For example, a Jewish or Christian person can understand that all people are made in the image and likeness of God, as stated in Genesis 1 of the Bible.  So, even though you do not know the one who hurt you, both the Global and Cosmic Perspectives are available for you to do the cognitive work of forgiveness.

If people give it enough time, will they naturally forgive, or do you think there has to be an active process to forgive?

If the injustice is serious and the hurt is deep, time alone will likely not cure the resentment.  I say this based on our research.  For example, in the study with elderly females in hospice, some of them were carrying resentment for decades.  Once they engaged in the process of forgiveness, they were able to forgive and increase in hope.  Here is the reference to that publication:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60.

Can there be true justice without forgiveness?  If so, can you provide an example for me?

Here is an example of justice occurring without forgiveness:  Suppose a person is arrested and convicted for assault.  Justice has been realized in a court of law.  The one assaulted may choose not to forgive.  Even so, justice was served.  The two, forgiveness and justice, need not occur together, but when people forgive, they can and should seek justice.

Can forgiveness alter the identity of the one who forgives?  If so, how?

We address this issue in the book, The Forgiving Life.  As people continue to practice forgiveness, they can, as Aristotle instructs, begin to develop a love for the virtue.  When this occurs, the one who forgives may begin to see oneself as a forgiving person.  This basically alters a person’s identity: “I am a forgiving person.”

You have said that self-forgiveness may take more time than forgiving others.  Why do you say this?

In my experience, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on other people.  As a result, it may take longer to forgive oneself.  This is why I recommend that people new to self-forgiveness first practice forgiving another person or two to get familiar with the pathway of forgiveness before attempting to forgive themselves.