Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Thank you for letting me know of the information on person-to-person forgiveness in Genesis, chapters 37-45.  I have a follow-up question for you: Did Joseph await an apology from his half-brothers, or did he proceed with forgiveness without one?

Joseph forgave his half-brothers unconditionally, without their apologizing to him.  They did not recognize him because they thought he was a slave in Egypt, not the leader that he was.

From what you can tell, what are the oldest writings on person-to-person forgiveness that have been preserved to the present day?

The oldest preserved forgiveness writings are in the first book of the Hebrew Bible, in Genesis, chapters 37-45, in which Joseph forgives his half-brothers for attempted murder and selling him into slavery in Egypt.

In my local community, I want to introduce children to forgiveness education.  Would you recommend that I start first within schools, or should my pitch be to parents within families?

I think your idea is vital because we need to start helping children understand what forgiveness is and is not, so they have a strong defense against unjust treatment as they grow into adulthood.  As we know, and unfortunately, in this imperfect world, many people will be confronted by deep injustices against them.  Forgiveness is a scientifically supported approach to free the self from excessive anger and other challenging internal responses, such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, when the injustices are severe.  I think both school and home are worth your efforts.  Talking to parents is crucial because sometimes schools are so overburdened with current requirements that educators do not feel as though they have room for one more addition, in this case, forgiveness.  Because families do not have formal, state requirements for what is taught and emphasized in the home, it may be easier to plant forgiveness there first.  You would need to strategize on how to introduce parents to forgiveness curricula, including helping them build confidence in teaching the material.  I am here as questions arise for you on this very important idea.

You say in the book, The Forgiving Life, that the highest form of forgiveness is to engage in agape love for the offending person.  This would mean that I have to willingly want to help this person even if it is painful for me to do so.  I am not near that place right now.  I am less angry, and I even wish her well, but I am not able to go higher than this right now.  Does this mean that I am not forgiving?

There is a difference between the essence of forgiveness and its current expression in any of us as imperfect forgivers.  So, do not be dismayed if all you can do for now is reduce anger and wish her well.  You are on the journey of forgiveness, and you should be encouraged by this.  Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher, said that we grow in the moral virtues by practicing them.  Keep up the practice of forgiveness.  You will keep advancing in this heroic moral virtue.

My son keeps rejecting my attempt to encourage him to forgive two students who have been bullying him at school.  What would you recommend as a new approach that might be effective?

When people hesitate to forgive, my experience is that they do not truly understand what forgiveness is.  So, I recommend as a new first step that you ask your son what he means by forgiveness.  Listen carefully for any of the following:

To forgive shows weakness or a giving in to the other’s nonsense.  This is not true.  Your son can forgive from his heart and ask the teachers or the principal for help in stopping the bullying behavior.

To forgive is to reconcile with those who bully, and I do not want to associate with them.  This is not true.  Forgiveness and reconciliation differ.  Forgiveness is a moral virtue that one person willingly chooses through free will.  Reconciliation involves two or more people coming together in mutual—mutual—trust.  If those who bully cannot be trusted, then reconciliation for now is not recommended.