Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Can you suggest at least one very effective way to motivate a person to start the forgiveness process?
I find that a person’s internal, emotional pain is a strong motivator to at lease consider forgiveness as a healing strategy. If the person has tried many different approaches, and none of them has led to significant relief, then a person often is ready to give forgiveness a try.
I have post-traumatic stress. Is it better to treat the symptoms, such as sleeplessness, first or to forgive first?
The answer depends on the symptoms of the post-traumatic stress. Because you have sleep challenges, these should be addressed first. If, instead, another person has some anger or sadness and these are not impinging on the person’s everyday life, then forgiving first can lessen these symptoms. The regulation of symptoms and forgiving can complement one another. For example, once your sleep pattern is regulated, your forgiving may help in establishing a regular sleep cycle. As the sleep cycle regulates, you may have more energy and focus to forgive well.
Do most people decide spontaneously to forgive or do they need some persuading to give it a try?
In my experience, many people misunderstand what forgiving is, equating it with reconciliation or excusing the other person’s behavior. In such cases, people are hesitant to forgive. So, in such cases, people first need some time to learn about what forgiveness actually is, which tends to quiet fears. Then people are more willing to try forgiving.
I have tried every solution and still I am angry. Even when I forgive, I am still angry. Do you have any advice for me?
We are all imperfect forgivers and so once you forgive, you still may have some anger left over. A key question for you is this: Is your anger strong and consistent or has it lessened and is not continually present? As long as the anger is not controlling you, then you are doing well. If, however, the anger continues to be strong and stays within you, I would recommend going back to the forgiveness process regarding this particular person. Practicing forgiveness and persevering in this can reduce the anger even more.
Can you give me an example of when forgiving is not a good option?
Yes, and here are two examples. For example 1, the one who might forgive realizes that there really was no injustice. There was, instead, a misunderstanding between two people. Under this condition, forgiving is not a good option. For example 2, the person truly was treated unjustly by another, but this happened very recently. The one considering forgiving is not ready and needs some time to work through the anger. In this case, it may be best to wait, process the anger, and then decide if forgiving is the way to go now. Forgiving is a free will choice and sometimes we need time to process what happened and to examine our inner world before starting to forgive.
