Ask Dr. Forgiveness

If I want to start the forgiveness journey in order to forget, am I starting it for the wrong reason?

There are many reasons people have for forgiving and one’s own well-being is one of those reasons. It is typical for a person to be motivated to forgive so that some emotional relief is realized from the pain of the injustice. So, your motivation certainly is not dishonorable and shows that you want and need self-care for what happened to you.

How can one reconcile with a NPD spouse, who has been emotionally and physically abusive and forced to leave?

I have low self-esteem from being treated unfairly by someone in my family. What do you recommend I do to reverse this?

1)  Stand with courage in the truth: “I was wronged.” If none of this is your fault, say that to yourself: “This is not my doing. I did not bring this on myself.”

2)  Stand further in the truth: “Even though this person may have a bad view of me, I refuse to share that view of myself with this person.” Resist the lie.

3)  As you stand in the truth, be aware of your strength in doing so: “I am enduring what I did not deserve. I am stronger than I thought.”

4)  Commit to doing no harm to the one who harmed you. As you do that, reflect on who you are: “I am someone who can endure pain and not return pain to the other.”

5)  Finally, conclude in the truth: “I will not be defined by the injustices against me. I am more than this. I am someone who endures pain and is a conduit for good to others.”

NOTE: This answer is reproduced from my Psychology Today blog: Why You Might Have Low Self-Esteem and How to Cure That.

Can healthy anger eventually develop into unhealthy anger?

Yes, this is possible. When treated unfairly by others, it is natural to have some anger because this is showing the other and you that you are a person of worth who should not be treated this way. If you continue to think about what happened, and if the anger starts to grow more deeply and pervasively, then you need an outlet for this development. Forgiving can be such a response. If, however, you do not have any outlet at all and continue with the rumination on what happened, then that anger can become so deep that over a period of time (perhaps many months) it develops into the unhealthy kind, leading to possible anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and even hatred toward the other. Forgiveness is an important antidote to all of this.

In forgiving, how can we balance self-care and dealing with continued verbal abuse from the person who just will not shut off that kind of abuse?

When you forgive, you do not have to stay in the situation and take continual abuse that is wearing you down. You may need to take some time out from the interaction. Please try to remember that to forgive is not the same as to reconcile. If the person continues the abuse, despite your best efforts to have it stopped, and if the abuse is wearing you down, then taking some time away from the interactions with the other is a good idea for self-care. When you forgive, you also should ask for fairness from those who are hurting you. Some will refuse, and this is why we need to distinguish forgiving and reconciling.