Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Can I truly forgive without reconciling with a person?
Yes. To forgive is not necessarily to reconcile although this is one of the goals of forgiving. Yet, reconciliation is not within only your power to grant. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people who come together again in mutual trust. If the other continues behaviors that are hurtful and if the person does not seem interested in changing those behaviors, then you can forgive but not reconcile, at least until the other shows signs of changing and is more trustworthy.
Because forgiving is a moral virtue, you talk of gift-giving as part of the process. How big of a gift are we talking about. Should I pay for the person’s medical bills, for example? Would paying for someone’s housing be over the top?
The gift-giving is always in the context of the forgiver’s capacity and the quality of the relationship at the moment. I noticed that you gave two examples regarding money. In actuality, the gift need not be monetary or even something physically concrete wrapped in a package. For example, a smile might be a great gift if such smiles have been non-existent for some time. A returned phone call might be just what the other needs. I think the gift-giving needs to be in the context of the moral virtue of temperance, or something that is balanced and reasonable and not “over the top” for a given forgiver.
Is there a relationship between love and forgiveness? Do they go hand-in-hand?
The ancient Greeks had four words for the term love: storge (the natural love, for example, between a mother and child), philia (friendship love), eros (romantic love), and agape (which eventually came to be known as a heroic form of love given for the sake of the other and involving effort and even pain on the part of the one offering such love). The Essence of forgiveness (what it is at its core) is agape love offered to a hurtful, offending other person. As Aristotle reminded us, we do not necessarily reach perfection as we practice any virtue and so even though agape is the deepest form of forgiving (its Essence), we as imperfect people can offer patience and respect toward the other and this still most certainly counts as a forgiving response. A person might eventually grow into agape for the other, but some do not.
I was raised in an abusive family situation and now my trust is damaged. When my husband apologizes, I have a very hard time believing that he actually has remorse. How can I train myself to see and believe the remorse that is displayed while the apology is said?
Remorse is an inner sorrow for unjust actions while repentance is the outward expression, such as an apology, of that inner sorrow. In the 1970’s the psychiatrist R.C. Hunter stated, and I think he is correct, that most of us, even those who are not trained as mental health professionals, can identify false forms of forgiveness. There is what he called a certain smug-like quality to insincere forgiving or seeking forgiveness. Therefore, are you getting a sense of anything “smug” in his response of apology to you? Look into his eyes. Are those eyes trying to hide something or is there an openness to you, to your hurt? As another quality in your husband that might help you, has he shown an interest in what I call recompense or making it right again for you? The 3 Rs of remorse (genuine inner sorrow seen in his eyes), repentance (an apology that flows from the genuine inner sorrow) and recompense (truly trying to right the wrong) may be a more full indicator for you of your husband’s genuine attempt at the fourth R: reconciliation with you.
Because my family is in “very close quarters” lately because of the pandemic, I find that I can get more irritable than usual. Does this mean that I am a bad person and do I have to forgive myself for this?
If you have been truly unjust, then yes, you could ask others to forgive you and also forgive yourself. Yet, you may be falling for a false issue here which is being too harsh on yourself. A social worker once told me that those who care for others can develop the false sense that they never have done quite enough. So, as tensions emerge in your home, please be careful not to excessively blame yourself (“If only I had done more.”). We are all imperfect and so we have to be gentle with ourselves and others. Cut yourself some slack now, knowing that you are trying and accept your imperfections of fatigue anxiety at this time. I recommend that you refrain from forgiving yourself if you simply and truly are doing your best, yet the family is not interacting perfectly.
