Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I want to forgive to restore an important relationship.  Yet, I am afraid to begin the forgiveness process because the other may not want the relationship anymore.  Under this circumstance, is it reasonable for me to reject forgiving?

Actually, it is very reasonable for you to continue moving forward with the forgiveness process.  As you are aware, forgiveness does not provide a guarantee that the other will accept your overture of forgiving.  Yet, if you forgive, you are opening the other to this possibility of a new start in the relationship. Even if the other rejects your forgiving, you have done your best, you may experience emotional healing, and so you can move on well regardless of what the other decides to do.

If I want to start the forgiveness journey in order to forget, am I starting it for the wrong reason?

There are many reasons people have for forgiving and one’s own well-being is one of those reasons. It is typical for a person to be motivated to forgive so that some emotional relief is realized from the pain of the injustice. So, your motivation certainly is not dishonorable and shows that you want and need self-care for what happened to you.

How can one reconcile with a NPD spouse, who has been emotionally and physically abusive and forced to leave?

I have low self-esteem from being treated unfairly by someone in my family. What do you recommend I do to reverse this?

1)  Stand with courage in the truth: “I was wronged.” If none of this is your fault, say that to yourself: “This is not my doing. I did not bring this on myself.”

2)  Stand further in the truth: “Even though this person may have a bad view of me, I refuse to share that view of myself with this person.” Resist the lie.

3)  As you stand in the truth, be aware of your strength in doing so: “I am enduring what I did not deserve. I am stronger than I thought.”

4)  Commit to doing no harm to the one who harmed you. As you do that, reflect on who you are: “I am someone who can endure pain and not return pain to the other.”

5)  Finally, conclude in the truth: “I will not be defined by the injustices against me. I am more than this. I am someone who endures pain and is a conduit for good to others.”

NOTE: This answer is reproduced from my Psychology Today blog: Why You Might Have Low Self-Esteem and How to Cure That.

Can healthy anger eventually develop into unhealthy anger?

Yes, this is possible. When treated unfairly by others, it is natural to have some anger because this is showing the other and you that you are a person of worth who should not be treated this way. If you continue to think about what happened, and if the anger starts to grow more deeply and pervasively, then you need an outlet for this development. Forgiving can be such a response. If, however, you do not have any outlet at all and continue with the rumination on what happened, then that anger can become so deep that over a period of time (perhaps many months) it develops into the unhealthy kind, leading to possible anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and even hatred toward the other. Forgiveness is an important antidote to all of this.