Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have heard that self-forgiveness is impossible because you cannot be your own judge and be the defendant at the same time. What do you think?
Self-forgiveness does not take place in a court of law, but within the human heart. We judge our own behavior all the time: Was that the right decision? Was I overly harsh with my friend? When people reason that they have broken their own standard, then they can forgive themselves.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
I have heard a lot lately that certain offenses never should be forgiven. Incest is an example. So many say that a women who experiences such abuse is foolish to forgive, to offer mercy to the perpetrator. This makes me so sad for our society that lets bitterness cloud perception. In my view, forgiveness in this case literally is the only way to heal from the atrocity. She can set herself free. I am wondering what your view is of this.
I, too, see a strong tendency in some people to condemn those who forgive atrocities. Yet, forgiveness is one of those moral virtues that is the chose of the one who was treated unjustly. If a person chooses to forgive, this truly is the person’s free will decision and others should not stand in the way, insisting that their own will be the final decision. Even if forgiving is “the only way to heal,” we should not try to force others to forgive. This is because the choice whether or not to forgive belongs to the one injured. You could present the case for forgiving, but in the end, the other, upon weighing the evidence, needs to decide.
For additional information, see Forgiveness is a Choice.
Can being angry have positive consequences?
Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong. My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense. This can lead to a host of psychological compromises. We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
You probably have heard the expression, “No pain….no gain.” I sometimes wonder if forgiving, which reduces pain, gets in the way of growth.
The expression “no pain….no gain” does not imply that one must be in constant pain to grow as a person. In weightlifting, for example, the pain is temporary for more long-term growth of muscles and strength. I think it is similar for a person’s psychology. The pain from unjust treatment is our forgiveness-gym as we develop our forgiveness muscles. The point, as it is in weightlifting, is to stop the pain so that one can grow. So, we do grow as we go though the pain. We also grow in character as we forgive. In other words, pain, working through pain, and finding relief from the pain all work together to help a person grow in virtue and character.
For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.
What is the most difficult unit of your 20 forgiveness units?
Research has shown that the initial decision to forgive is the hardest because it includes change and change can be a challenge. By change I mean this: The forgiver now has to start a journey, one that may not be familiar for the one who just made the decision to forgive. Those who decide to forgive know that they are committing to some hard psychological work. The decision, while difficult, involves courage.
For additional information, see The Enright 20 Step Forgiveness Process.
