Ask Dr. Forgiveness
They say, “Forgive and forget,” but I just can’t blot out of my memory what happened to me. Does this mean that I am not forgiving the person?
The term forget has more than one meaning. It can mean not being able to remember what happened. It can mean to not dwell on what happened. It can mean that as we look back, we remember in new ways. When we forgive, we can remember and this is all right. As an analogy, if you have ever had a sports injury, you can look back; you do not forget in a literal sense the time of a challenging physical injury. Yet, when you look back at the sports injury, you do not feel the pain in the same way as you did when the event happened. I think it is the same with forgiveness. We can look back, but we remember in new ways, without the acute pain being there for us now.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
What is one important insight you can give to me if I want to ask for forgiveness from someone I wounded emotionally?
I would realize that the person has a wounded heart and may need time to forgive. In other words, when you approach the person do not expect an immediate, “Yes, I forgive you.” So, you will need to be ready to wait.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Forgiving for me is a struggle, but I can accomplish it. My issue is with reconciliation, which I am finding very awkward with one particular person. Can reconciliation ever be truly accomplished after a brutal betrayal?
Congratulations on forgiving in the face of a “brutal betrayal.” This is not at all easy to accomplish. Regarding reconciliation, your struggle may be centered on the theme of trust. How trustworthy is the person whom you have forgiven? If you are not able to establish trust, at least not yet, this may be the cause of your struggle. Try to get a sense of whether or not the other is sorry for the injustice, uses words that suggest sincerity of repentance to you, and shows behavior that is consistent with the inner sorrow and words of repentance.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
I don’t need to forgive. I have put the person out of my life. I have moved on. That person can have a miserable life now as far as I am concerned. In fact, this person would deserve misery. I don’t really have a question, just this statement that one simply can move on without forgiving.
Thank you for your note. While “moving on” certainly is possible when the injustice is not serious, I have found that people have a very hard time “just moving on” when deeply hurt by others. In your case, may I challenge you a bit? I do not think that you are “moving on” without resentment in your heart toward the person. I say this because of your statement, “In fact, this person would deserve misery.” This suggests to me that you still are angry. This kind of anger can stay with a person for a very long time. “Moving on” is not a cure for such anger. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a cure for it. If and when you are ready to consider forgiveness in this case, your forgiving the person may help you reduce this feeling of resentment.
For additional information, see The Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives.
What is your experience: Do children or adults forgive more easily?
The answer depends on: a) how deeply the person was hurt; b) how much prior practice in forgiving the person has had; and c) how clearly the person understands what forgiveness is. From my experience, children for the most part (certainly not always) have lesser injustices against them than adults have. In this case, children find it easier to forgive. Yet, some adults have contemplated what forgiveness is, have willingly practiced it, and now are ready to offer forgiveness again when hurt. In this case, the adults may find it easier to forgive.
For additional information, see Your Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.
