Ask Dr. Forgiveness
“I work hard on forgiveness, but sometimes I get to a week in which I do not want to even think about it or what happened to me. During these times, what can I do to not feel guilty or uncomfortable about setting forgiveness aside?”
Let us take an analogy here. Suppose you have a physical fitness regimen. Do you work out every week for an entire year or do you take some time off to refresh, to heal, to re-group? Physical trainers tell us to take some time off. It is good for us. Think of becoming forgivingly fit in the same way. Hard work is good, but we need some time off to refresh and re-group so that we come back to that work with renewed enthusiasm.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
“Is it harder to forgive if a person is filled with anger compared with another person who is filled with pain and sorrow after being treated unfairly?”
It seems to me that if the anger is very intense and includes resentment or even hatred, then, yes, it is harder to forgive. Some people who are fuming with anger cannot even use the word “forgiveness” because it intensifies the anger. At the same time, if a person has deep sorrow, sometimes there is an accompanying lack of energy and the person needs some time to mourn first. At such times, the person needs to be gentle with the self as emotional healing takes place.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
What does science say is the most difficult unit of your Forgiveness Process Model of 20 steps?
We first have to keep in mind that the science basically is looking for generalities or that which is typical. So often, this quest for the normal or typical overlooks the individually personal characteristics of many people. With that said, we tend to find that many people say the initial decision to forgive, to commit to the forgiveness process, is the most difficult unit of the Forgiveness Process Model. I think this might be the case because change or transition can be scary. If you think about it, moving to a new city or starting a new job or starting a new exercise program as you walk through the gym doors for the first time can be a challenge. Starting on a forgiveness path represents hard work and unknown challenges. I think this is why many people say that this is the hardest part of the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
When I forgive my husband for his forgetfulness (he forgets to bring in the mail, he forgets to help with the dishes, and other annoying issues), it only seems to encourage his behavior that gets to me. It is as if my forgiving is the ticket for him to keep it up. Can you help me with this?
Yes, I think I can offer some possible insights. I am guessing that your husband is interpreting your act of mercy in forgiveness as permission to keep everything as it currently is. When we forgive, we should consider bringing the moral virtue of justice alongside the moral virtue of forgiveness. When you forgive and your anger diminishes, then might be the time to gently bring up the theme of justice: How can he be fair to you, to share the load? This may get his attention and also send the message that forgiveness also is tough-minded enough to gently ask for fairness.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
I’m not buying forgiveness. Someone was really, really rude to me recently. Forget this person! As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness. Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else. When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad. This is not for me.
First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly. Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt. We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed. Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change. I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness. Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person. We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. I wish you well in your emotional healing.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
