Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I was very upset with my boyfriend. He came to me to ask forgiveness, but I could tell that he was doing this only because I was upset. His overture of seeking forgiveness did not seem genuine to me at all. Under this kind of circumstance, should I have confronted him about his insincerity or should I have just accepted his superficial request and let it go?
It seems in this circumstance that you would be better off talking with him about your impression of his insincerity. This does not mean that you do so right then, when you were very upset. His lack of sincerity could be another event in which you need to forgive him. Your first working on forgiveness may make your conversation about his insincerity more civil and more productive. If you confronted him when you were very upset, without your first starting the forgiveness process, then this possibly could deepen the original argument.
For additional information, see: 5 Ways to Apologize to Someone You Love
Would you say that someone truly has forgiven another if the one who forgives refuses to reconcile with the other person?
The answer depends on the person’s reason for not reconciling. If the one who offended is sorry for the wrongdoing and is making sincere attempts to change, then this can make reconciliation a definite possibility. If the forgiver refuses to even consider reconciliation at this point, and if the forgiver still is showing deep anger, then it is possible that the forgiveness is either at a very early stage or is not genuine. On the other hand, if the one who engaged in the wrongdoing remains unrepentant and refuses to change the behavior, the forgiver still can forgiver deeply from the heart and not reconcile because it could be unhealthy or even dangerous, depending on how hurtful the injustice is.
For additional information see: Learning to Forgive Others.
When I forgive, do you think that I can trust the person in certain areas but not in others?
Yes, you can begin to trust someone in certain areas but not in others as you forgive. As an example, suppose that Person A has a serious gambling problem. These actions have hurt you. Yet, the person is a good worker who gets the job done when asked to do so. If Person A asks for a monetary loan, it would not be in your interest (or in Person A’s interest) to loan the money. At the same time, if Person A’s work record is strong and you need this person to do a certain job, then relying on Person A to do and finish the job is not unreasonable, given the past behavior. You can forgive the compulsive gambler for not paying back your loan and, at the same time, not trust the person in the one particular area of finances.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
Do forgiveness interventions work with participants who are in early adolescence?
Yes. We have published research in which early adolescents in the United States and in Pakistan have benefited from a forgiveness intervention. Here are the references to these works:
Gambaro, M.E., Enright,R.D., Baskin, T.A., & Klatt, J. (2008). Can schAt-Risk-Middle-School—Wool-based forgiveness counseling improve conduct and academic achievement in academically at-risk adolescents? Journal of Research in Education, 18, 16-27.
Rahman, A., Iftikhar, R., Kim, J., & Enright, R.D. (2018). Pilot study: Evaluating the effectiveness of forgiveness therapy with abused early adolescent females in Pakistan. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 5, 75-87.
What is one central issue about forgiving oneself that you could pass along to me?
Forgiving yourself is a process, as is forgiving other people. If I had to choose one issue for you as you begin, it would be this: Start by forgiving others first so that you get to know the process of forgiveness. As you offer gentleness and kindness to others in forgiving them, then when you forgive yourself, apply that same kind of gentleness and kindness to yourself.
Learn more at Self-Forgiveness.
