Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What are the different meanings to the word “forget” when we say, “Forgive and forget”?

I think people usually mean this: Do not let the previous injustice get in the way of your relationship now.  It does not means this: Do not remember the other person’s weaknesses so that you are vulnerable to continued injustices.  In other words, “forget” means this: Remember in new ways, without deep anger, and watch your back.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

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What is one major difference between forgiving other people and forgiving yourself?

When you forgive others, if you did nothing wrong, then you do not ask for forgiveness.  When you forgive yourself, you usually offend others by what you did.  Thus, self-forgiveness involves not only welcoming yourself back into the human community but also seeking forgiveness from others for hurting them by this particular action.

For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.

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What is a healthy way of expressing anger?

A good way to start is by asking this question to yourself: “How will my specific way of expressing anger affect the other person(s) who are present when I express it?”  In other words, your expression has an effect not only on you but on others.  If you keep this in mind, your expression of that anger may be more temperate and thus not emotionally injure those who are present.

For additional information, see What Is Forgiveness?

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Politics are coming between my partner and me.  We have very different views.  I tell him, over and over, that I respect him as a person even though I disagree with his political positions.  It is not working.  He is angry with me for not seeing the world his way.  Help!  What do I do?

You can start by forgiving your partner for insisting that you change your political views.  This will not suffice to quell the conflict.  Once you forgive, and your exasperation lessens, try to have a heart-to-heart talk.  Be honest, and gentle, as you communicate your frustration with his insistence.  Try to reach reconciliation by talking out specific ways in which both of you can respect each other as persons even with political differences.  It will take time and effort, but may work.

For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.

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I have been engaging in relaxation training to overcome my anger toward a family member.  It seems to be working, but at times my anger wells up and makes me uncomfortable.  My question is this: Is relaxation training sufficient or not to overcoming anger?

Relaxation training may be sufficient if the injustice you experienced is not severe.  If, on the other hand, it was a severe injustice, then relaxation by itself may only quell symptoms and not be a cure for your resentment.  Resentment, or deep and abiding anger, is not necessarily cured by relaxing because, once you are finished relaxing, the anger can return.  When you forgive, the resentment can be cured.

For additional information, see How to Forgive.

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