Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Right now, I am alone and do not have a supportive person with whom I can do the forgiveness work. Would you recommend that I wait until I have found such a person before I start the forgiveness process?
This depends on how deeply serious is the injustice against you and your inner reactions. For example, on a 1-to-10 scale, how angry or sad are you (with a 10 being extreme pain)? If you are near a 10, then I would recommend a mental health professional who knows Forgiveness Therapy or who is willing to read one of my self-help books (such as Forgiveness Is a Choice) along with you. If your pain is in the 3 to 5 range, you might consider going ahead with that book yourself and let me, in my printed words, accompany you on the forgiveness journey.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I forgave a betraying friend and yet I still suffer from sadness over this. What can I do to get rid of this?
Think of forgiveness as a process that can take time rather than a one-time decision. If you have a little sadness, this is normal. If, however, the sadness is deep and is interfering with your well-being, I suggest starting from the beginning and forgiving the friend again. Each time you practice forgiveness, some of the sadness may lessen. Again, please do not expect that forgiving will wipe away all feelings of sadness or even anger. If such symptoms are manageable for you, then you are advancing well in forgiving.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I have forgiven my partner but at times I get angry about what she did to me. How can I avoid these feelings and forgive permanently?
As the late Lewis Smedes used to say, forgiveness is an imperfect activity for imperfect people. Even if anger surfaces occasionally, please do not grow discouraged. You can forgive again and it likely will take less time than previously and lead to better results. The idea of “permanent” forgiveness is not necessarily going to happen in all people for all circumstances. Having some anger left over happens to many people, especially when the injustice is deep. So, please be gentle with yourself and please do not expect absolute perfection as you grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
I started the forgiveness process but out of sheer fatigue, I stopped for a while. I want to start up again and now I have a question. Should I start at the beginning or continue where I left off?
This depends on how long it has been since you previously were practicing forgiveness. If you have left the process for a few weeks, I suggest that you start at the beginning. This does not mean that it will take you a long time to get to where you left off. Some of the challenges in the early part of forgiveness (such as uncovering the effects of resentment) likely will be confronted quickly so that you can keep going in the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Is there anything I can do to encourage my brother to forgive me?
Did you apologize? Did you show him that you are aware of your error and have taken steps not to repeat it? This may help him establish trust in you which may help him to forgive you. You will need patience as he makes up his own mind. Your trying to put pressure on him to forgive will not be helpful. He needs to see the value of forgiveness and willingly say yes to it.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
