Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have positive feelings toward my sister who was mean to me. Does this wrap up forgiveness for me then? In other words, are positive feelings the gist of forgiving or is there more to it?
Positive feelings by themselves are not the end of the forgiveness process. If you think about it, positive feelings by themselves can be passive. For example, you feel positively toward your sister as you sit on the couch and never make a positive move toward your sister. As a moral virtue, forgiveness includes thinking, feeling, and behaving (within reason) toward the one who hurt you. When you forgive, you are open to the possibility of reconciliation with the other. This openness toward reconciliation is not an automatic coming together again. The other has to be trustworthy for the reconciliation actually to occur.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
What is the global perspective?
This is one of three ways (personal, global, and cosmic perspectives) of thinking about the one whom you want to forgive. For the global perspective, we ask you to see the common humanity that you share with the one who offended you. You both need a little air to breathe; you both need good nutrition to stay healthy; if either of you are cut, then you bleed. Both of you have unique DNA so that when either of you dies, there never will be another person just like you on this planet. This makes each of you special, unique, and irreplaceable.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I have a hard time feeling compassion for a person if I cannot see that person, interact with that person, see the pain in the person. So, how can I genuinely forgive someone who is not in my life at the present time?
You probably should start with thinking exercises. In the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I talk about taking wider perspectives on the one whom you want to forgive. These perspectives (personal, global, and cosmic perspectives) help you to see the other as vulnerable, as perhaps hurting, and this may lead to compassion for you.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
What does it mean to accept the pain of the other’s offense?
To accept the pain is not to put up with abuse. One first has to protect oneself by seeking justice from abuse. To accept the pain is not to live with this pain for the rest of one’s life. To accept the pain is to stand with that pain, to not run from that pain (because the injustice did happen). To accept the pain is to make a commitment not to pass that pain back to the one who offended or to anyone else. As one stands this way and commits to not passing the pain to others, the paradox is that the one who accepts the pain begins to notice that, over time, the pain begins to lessen.
For additional information, see the Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I want to reach out to a former good friend. We have not talked in about a year. I fear being humiliated. What can I do to overcome this fear of humiliation?
You are showing courage to consider approaching the former good friend. I would suggest two things. First, try to cultivate a sense of humility which may counter any harmful humiliation if the person rejects your overture of a renewed friendship. In other words, cultivating humility gets you ready for a rejection. Second, realize that the other person may not be as ready for a conversation as you are. Even if you make the approach, please realize that the other may need time to adjust to this new overture. A hesitancy on the other’s part today does not mean that this will continue indefinitely. Humility and patience may help you in this case.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
