Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Do children really understand what forgiveness is? If they do not, then can they really forgive?
We have been helping teachers set up forgiveness education programs since 2002. In our experience, children as young as age 6 can understand the worth of people, including the built-in worth of all people. This is a foundational step in forgiving. Even though young children may not understand the moral virtue of love (serving others for the others’ sake), they nonetheless can see that to forgive is to see the worth in the other and to offer kindness of some kind to the one who offended. As forgiveness education occurs on higher grade levels, then students’ understanding of forgiving as an expression of mercy can become more sophisticated.
Learn more about Forgiveness Education for Children at: Curriculum
Why have not schools and workplaces caught on to this idea of folding forgiveness into these environments, given the scientifically-supported views that forgiveness reduces anger?
Forgiveness education and forgiveness in the workplace actually are themes that are starting to slowly emerge. For example, our forgiveness education curriculum guides have been requested by educators in over 30 countries across the world. We are assisting some workplaces in implementing forgiveness within human resource areas. This theme of forgiveness in schools and workplaces needs to become much more popular, and it is our hope that this will happen over the years.
Read more about why we need forgiveness education now in Dr. Enright’s blog “Love Never Dies.”
I am more hurt than angry at the person who was unfair to me. Because I do not have anger, does this mean I do not have to forgive?
One reason why we forgive is because we are starting to be psychologically compromised because of deep anger or resentment. Another reason why we forgive is for the sake of the other person, to give that person a second chance. A third reason why we forgive is because forgiveness is a moral virtue which extends respect and even love to the other. Thus, you should feel free to forgive for points 2 and 3 mentioned here. Also, hurt that is not addressed can lead to resentment and so you may be preventing the first point from occurring as you forgive.
I am trying to forgive a family member, but this person stubbornly refuses to admit the wrong. I am now offended a second time as the person shows no sorrow at all. What do I do now?
You now have two forgiveness processes in which to engage with regard to this person: the original offense and now the offense of the person’s denying that there was any wrongdoing. The issue now is this: Would you prefer to continue forgiving the person for the original offense or would you rather switch to this new offense of the person denying wrongdoing? That choice is yours. If this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing by the other is hampering your ability to forgive, then you might want to take some time now to forgive for this refusal to accept your first overture of forgiving. You then can go back to that original offense after doing this new forgiveness work.
Does forgiving require me to abandon my psychological defense mechanisms altogether? What if in the future I need a little denial to protect myself from intensive anger or anxiety?
To forgive in one context, let us call it Situation A, does require that you reduce the defense mechanisms that prevent you from seeing the depth of your own hurt and anger. This can be done slowly and gently.
Your having lowered those defense mechanisms in Situation A does not mean that you will have lost your natural ability to have defense mechanisms in the future. In other words, breaking denial in Situation A does not mean that denial will not operate well in Situation B. Denial still will need to be slowly lowered in Situation B if that denial is not allowing you to see that you are angry, that the anger is compromising your well-being, and that you need to do something about that anger.
Read more about dealing with defense mechanisms in Forgiveness Is a Choice.
