Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have reached the part in my forgiveness journey where, according to the Fourfold Path of Forgiveness (cf Tutu: “the Book of Forgiving”) I have to “tell my story”. How can I tell a story that encompasses 25+ years of abuse? The only theory that I have at the moment that wouldn’t take 25+ years, is to break it down into themes: Manipulative Lying; Anger and emotional abuse; Financial irresponsibility that put me and my kids into poverty. There are of course sub-sets and crossovers. There is also the way my children and my now deceased parents suffered (I know I need to ask for forgiveness myself here).
You make a good point that to tell your story may be difficult because you have had 25 years of abuse. Perhaps this may help: Think about your story in relative terms with regard to the length of your narrative. People can tell their stories in a paragraph, or in a page, or in a couple of pages, or in a chapter, or in an entire book. Of course, if you tell your story only in a paragraph or a page, then your story will show only general statements rather than specific, detailed descriptions. So that you are not overwhelmed in this process of telling your story, may I recommend that you try to summarize your story in no more than two pages?
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People in Chicago again are protesting the gun violence there. Would implementing IFI’s Forgiveness curriculum into all schools & Forgiveness Therapy into prison, anger management, drug and marriage programs help with lowering the violence there? If so what else would this help in Chicago for instance lower bullying, cyberbullying, suicides, etc?
Your insights are very insightful and important. Yes, we agree with you that IFI’s forgiveness curriculum in all or at least many schools would reduce student anger. Once in their mid-teens, many of the adolescents should have their anger reduced and not at a level that might lead to violence. Forgiveness therapy in the prison system also should reduce anger so that it is not a motivator to hurt others. Forgiveness therapy in drug rehabilitation programs and in marriage programs should help reduce stress in those who do this kind of work.
The key issue is not whether or not forgiveness education and forgiveness therapy would work. Instead, that key issue is this: How can we get the attention of the decision makers in schools, prisons, drug rehabilitation units, and marriage counseling centers so that these forgiveness programs are given a chance to be implemented? In our experience, leaders need to see the efficacy of forgiveness for it to move forward. How can we get the attention of the leaders?
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Is genuine forgiveness possible if you never let the other know that you forgave?
Yes. If your proclamation of forgiveness will lead to more tensions, you need not let the other know in words. Your deeds will speak volumes regarding your acceptance of the person.
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I don’t get why one of my parents continues to hold onto anger and wallow in self-pity when forgiveness is available. Why do some people refuse to forgive?
I think there are at least four reasons for this:
- Some people think that holding on to anger empowers them to seek justice. Yet, one can seek justice without intense anger, which actually can take energy and focus away from the justice-seeking.
- Some people misunderstand what forgiveness is, thinking that it is giving in to the other’s demands, or a reconciliation that would be harmful, or a ploy to maintain the current unjust status quo.
- Some people wait for an apology before they consider forgiving to be appropriate. Yet, waiting for certain words from another is giving that person power over your own recovery.
- Some people today say they will never forgive, but this is not necessarily their final word. Saying no to forgiveness today does not mean that there will be no yes to it in the days, weeks, months, or even years ahead.
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On the average, do you think it is easier for people to forgive or to ask for forgiveness?
I think that both are a challenge. Asking for forgiveness requires a humility to admit wrongdoing. Forgiving also requires the humility to see that the offending person and you share a common humanity. Forgiving is a struggle to love those at whom you are angry or deeply disappointed and so this may be more challenging for many people than asking for forgiveness.
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