Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I don’t get why one of my parents continues to hold onto anger and wallow in self-pity when forgiveness is available. Why do some people refuse to forgive?
I think there are at least four reasons for this:
- Some people think that holding on to anger empowers them to seek justice. Yet, one can seek justice without intense anger, which actually can take energy and focus away from the justice-seeking.
- Some people misunderstand what forgiveness is, thinking that it is giving in to the other’s demands, or a reconciliation that would be harmful, or a ploy to maintain the current unjust status quo.
- Some people wait for an apology before they consider forgiving to be appropriate. Yet, waiting for certain words from another is giving that person power over your own recovery.
- Some people today say they will never forgive, but this is not necessarily their final word. Saying no to forgiveness today does not mean that there will be no yes to it in the days, weeks, months, or even years ahead.
On the average, do you think it is easier for people to forgive or to ask for forgiveness?
I think that both are a challenge. Asking for forgiveness requires a humility to admit wrongdoing. Forgiving also requires the humility to see that the offending person and you share a common humanity. Forgiving is a struggle to love those at whom you are angry or deeply disappointed and so this may be more challenging for many people than asking for forgiveness.
Can fear be reduced when a person forgives?
Yes, as people forgive, they become less fearful of their own anger. They now know that they have a safety net for reducing that anger if they think about the injustice they have experienced. Yet, not all anger is reduced. As an example, suppose a woman forgives her husband for having an affair. He apologizes, accepts the forgiveness, and yet has another affair. He has broken trust and so her fear that he will continue with affairs likely will occur (if they stay together). The fear can diminish as the husband truly shows remorse, repents, and shows behavior of fidelity. The diminishing of the fear in such a case can take time and is centered on both the forgiving and on a genuine reconciliation in which trust is restored.
Please tell me which theory is used for forgiveness?
The first chapter of my book, The Forgiving Life, describes our theory, which is based on Aristotelian philosophy with the end point of human existence being agape or service-to-others love.
Lewis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, instructed us to “see with new eyes” the one who has offended. I talked with my friends about this idea (of seeing with new eyes) and they thought it was just a game people play on themselves. They say that seeing the offender with new eyes is a way to just let him or her off the hook. Can you offer advice so that I can convince my friends that Smedes’ advice is not just a bad trick we play on ourselves?
You can see the offending person “with new eyes” and still say that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. In other words, you do not reframe the actual situation, but instead reframe who the offending person is. That person is more than the wrong behavior. If your friends see that the behavior continues to be seen as wrong, then perhaps they will see that “seeing with new eyes” is not a trick centered on the behavior itself.
