Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Can you help me understand how to release a relationship as part of the forgiveness process? Choosing to erect an emotional boundary feels like a form of punishment, but there is logic in it too if the offender hasn’t taken responsibility for the hurt and is likely to offend again. When is releasing a relationship the best option, and how do you do it lovingly? Thank you.
The key here is to distinguish forgiving and reconciling. If the other refuses to change and is hurtful, then it may not be wise to continue a relationship. At the same time, you can see the person’s inherent worth and forgive. Sometimes, even when we offer our best to another, the person rejects our love. We still can forgive and then go in peace.
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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). I’ve read articles about help with forgiveness for the victims of domestic abuse but didn’t see any for the abuser. What about forgiveness therapy for the abusers? If all schools in the USA implement the forgiveness curriculum of IFI how would this affect domestic violence in the younger generation?
Forgiveness therapy for abusers is being implemented now in both medium and maximum security prisons. The thought behind this work is that those who wound others often have been wounded prior to their crimes.
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This same kind of thinking underlies our Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Curriculum (available here on our website). If those who bully are taught to forgive the people who have filled them with resentment and unhealthy anger, then we may have taken away a major motivation to hurt others.
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If the younger generation were fortified with forgiveness education from the early elementary grades through high school, I hypothesize that domestic violence would statistically-significantly decrease from its current levels. Thank you for the very interesting ideas.
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What is a major stumbling block in my suggesting forgiveness education at my local private school?
A major stumbling block is time. Teachers have many mandated requirements and so forgiveness education may be seen as one more pressure. Yet, if you can ascertain the requirements in that school, perhaps forgiveness may fit into one of those. For example, if a school mandates social programs for students getting along, then forgiveness would fit nicely into that. You may have to work within the framework of already-existing social programs if forgiveness will become part of a classroom’s and a school’s offerings. When you keep in mind that our curriculum guides produced here at the International Forgiveness Institute require only about one hour of class time for about 12 or so weeks for an entire school year, then you can see that we have tried to lessen the burden of instruction so that it is possible to offer forgiveness education in any school.
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Is it possible that the more a person forgives, then the more human that person becomes?
If a person forgives for the other person’s benefit and because forgiveness is good in and of itself, then the forgiver is practicing forgiveness as a moral virtue. If a person forgives with the principle of love (in service to others), then this person is practicing forgiveness on a very high level. I do think, in these cases, that the forgiver is bringing out some of the very best that humanity has to offer.
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What is your opinion of family members who keep saying, “You should forgive the person for what was done”?
We have to be careful not to pressure people to forgive. Family members who say that someone “should” forgive another have to take into account: a) how familiar the unjustly-treated person is with forgiveness; b) the depth of the injustice; c) how long ago the injustice happened; and d) how often the other person has engaged in the offense. The less familiar, the deeper the hurt, the shorter the time, and the more often the injustice has occurred, then the more difficult it may be to forgive. It is better if a person is drawn to the beauty of forgiveness rather than pressured into it.
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