Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I do not have a lot of built-up anger toward someone who hurt me. Perhaps I am suppressing that anger, but I do not think so. My question: Do I even need to forgive this person if I am not angry?

Forgiveness is a moral virtue and so if you have been wronged, it is good to forgive if you are ready to do so.  From a psychological perspective, it is more imperative to consider forgiving if you are experiencing unhealthy anger (sleep disturbances, irritability in general, general unhappiness).  Forgiveness, in other words, can reduce these symptoms that can compromise your health.

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What is the appeal to the emotion of anger that it can become like an addiction? Can passive or suppressed anger become an addiction, too?

Anger can serve in the short run as a protection.  One is on guard against others’ injustices.  One is ready to defend oneself and loved ones from others’ harm.  Yet, if one is constantly vigilant against threat or perceived threat over a long period of time, then this can be exhausting. Also, the anger can grow in intensity and expression.  A key is to be aware of this so that the anger does not take up residence inside of the one treated unfairly.

Yes, even anger that is not conscious can be addictive.  The person may be rewarded internally for the flow of adrenaline that makes the person feel strong and ready.  The adrenaline flow itself can become addictive so that the person thinks certain thoughts, keeps the muscles tight, and the emotions always ready.  The person’s unconscious anger can be uncovered by focusing on the symptoms of that anger (thoughts, muscle tightness, and so forth).

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If I “accept the pain” in forgiving, as you say, can I always handle this by myself or might I need help from others some of the time?

Let us take a physical analogy.  Suppose you hurt your knee while running.  You probably know when that pain is so strong as to require medical intervention and when it is not.  It is the same with emotional pain.  If it is strong and on-going, then it is good to seek help from others, perhaps a family member or friend if the pain is not very severe.  If it is very severe, it is best to seek professional help, especially from someone who understands forgiveness and knows the forgiveness process.

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I am trying to forgive my mother for some things that happened years ago. I am not feeling very angry now and so I am wondering: Am I over this or might I be repressing my anger? How can a person tell if they are repressing anger?

One test of repressed anger is this: As you think of giving the gift of kindness and compassion to your mother, do you feel free inside to give these gifts to her?  If the answer is yes, then you may be over the hurt (whether by forgiveness or some other means).  If you are hesitant to give these gifts to your mother, then you likely do have repressed anger. Starting a forgiveness process and being patient with this may reduce the anger.
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Question: I am wondering about the following situation. A person has tried to commit suicide because he or she was so despondent from another’s actions. The one who attempted suicide did nothing wrong. Will forgiveness (by the one who attempted) take a while to heal these deep wounds?

The deeper the emotional wound, then the longer the forgiveness process seems to be.  In a case like this, yes, it could take many months for the one who forgives to experience emotional relief and to conclude that he or she has forgiven.  Please keep in mind that the one who forgives does not have to become a perfect forgiver to experience emotional relief.
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