Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Do you think that pride can get in the way of forgiving? If so, what might be some examples of pride stopping forgiveness?
Pride is that false sense of being better, in a general and superior way, than others. Pride in the case of forgiving may take at least two forms. In the first, a person exercising pride might conclude that the other must, without exception, apologize before the process of forgiving begins. In other words, the pride dictates that the other must pay a price first.
Of course, we are not talking here about certain religions that ask the adherents of that faith first to receive an apology prior to forgiving. A religious ritual and pride are not the same.
A second example of pride getting in the way of forgiving is that sense that “I am invulnerable; no one can deeply hurt me.” Such an attitude might prevent a person from humbly acknowledging that he or she truly has been hurt by another. When hurt is not acknowledged, then the person might conclude that there is nothing to forgive.
Can I forgive without having empathy toward the one who hurt me? In other words, is sympathy enough?
Let us first define our terms. Empathy involves stepping inside the other’s shoes and understanding the world from his or her viewpoint. To sympathize with another is to see his or her distress and to react to that (without necessarily feeling that person’s feelings, as occurs with empathy). Yes, I do think that people can forgive by looking toward the other and seeing his or her woundedness without then going the extra step of entering into that person’s world through empathy. Sometimes, the thought of empathizing with a hurtful other is too frightening for the forgiver to try to accomplish. At such times, insight about how others have treated the person and his or her difficulty in dealing with this treatment can be sufficient to move forgiveness along.
Is it fair to say that the longer people harbor anger, then the longer they are allowing pain and unhappiness and a sense of hopelessness to rule their lives?
Yes, I think it is fair to say that. At the same time, we have to be careful not to condemn those who are wounded by the unfair treatment of others. Sometimes, very angry people never have been shown the door of forgiveness that could set them free from the hopelessness you mention. Let us do our part to lessen a person’s experience with this kind of anger.
It seems to me that with the advent of social media, people now have an excuse to show their anger publicly, to vent as a group, and therefore this is a forum for anger to be nurtured, to grow, and even to grow beyond what is reasonable. How can we incorporate forgiveness into social media for good?
You make a good point that anger seems to have the upper hand right now in social media as people vent about politics, community unfairness, and other issues of injustice. Yet, we now have an unprecedented opportunity to get the message out about forgiveness as one approach to unfairness. Introducing a quotation about forgiveness on one’s own social media page, for example, could reach hundreds of people. Persevering in your posting about forgiveness could bear more fruit now than you might realize. As people are free to vent on social media, as you say, you now are free to talk about the paradox of being good to those who are not being good to you.
Does it take a long time to forgive someone? I know people who, even after 10 years, can have some left-over anger or mourning about what happened. Does the length of time depend on how much anger one has at the beginning of the unfairness?
The length of time to forgiveness can vary greatly across people and even within any given person, depending on who did the hurting and how deep the anger is. We find that consistent work on forgiveness for about 12 weeks for many people can produce a reduction in anger and a promotion of emotional healing.
This is not a rigid rule at all. Some people require a year of forgiveness work before the anger no longer is in control. A key to keep in mind is this: Even if you have some anger left over, even if you have not perfectly forgiven, you can lead an emotionally-healthy life although some anger remains. Keep working on forgiving, knowing that it is a path to keeping anger under your control rather than the reverse.
