Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Here is my fourth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is the struggle to help change the other person so that the injustice stops.”
This desire to help the other is part of forgiveness because, in forgiving, the forgiver wants what is best for the other person. Yet, one can forgive even if the other refuses the forgiver’s overture of mercy and a second chance. The struggle to help change the person runs deeper when the goal is reconciliation, or coming together again in mutual trust, which does not always happen. When reconciliation is not possible, a person still can forgive by wishing the other well, having mercy on the other, and hoping that reconciliation might be possible in the future, without demanding that reconciliation.
Here is my third slogan about forgiveness: “When I forgive, I give up the expectation that the other person will change and, instead, focus on my own healing.”
This, as was the case with your first and second slogans, is incorrect. All moral virtues concern goodness, and this is also the case with forgiveness, where the focus is on the one who behaved badly. You try, with effort and time, to see the inherent worth in that person. A consequence of this—-a consequence, not what forgiveness is—–involves emotional healing within the forgiver. The slogan confuses what forgiveness is and the consequences of it.
Here is my second slogan concerning what forgiveness is: “As I now look back, I see that the issue was not important once I completed the forgiveness process.”
This, as was the case with your first slogan, is incorrect. Forgiveness takes place in the context of unfairness, and so what happened was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair, even if you forgive. Forgiveness changes your view of the person. It does not alter the rightness or wrongness of the other person’s actions.
I have heard a number of slogans concerning what forgiveness is. I am wondering your opinion of each of these. I have eight points that I would like you to address one at a time. I hope my issues and your responses clarify what we really mean when we forgive others. The first slogan goes something like this: “I forgive you because I was not hurt by your actions.”
When we are treated unjustly, it is normal to feel hurt because unfairness is not pleasant. Our getting angry in the short-run shows that we understand what unfairness is. Therefore, we can experience hurt, and this does not invalidate the forgiveness process, but makes the acknowledgment of the hurt part of the beginning of the forgiveness process.
Thank you for giving me advice on not moving forward with a 2-hour forgiveness approach, given my long-standing hurt from my cousin. Which of your books would you recommend? I like the Socratic dialogue in your book, The Forgiving Life. Do you think that might help?
Yes, The Forgiving Life book works you through our Process Model of Forgiveness, as do my other self-help books. You are correct that The Forgiving Life is a dialogue between two people, as you read how they go about the forgiveness process. If you like the Socratic dialogue, then this is the book for you.
