Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have forgiven my partner for constant criticisms. Yet, the criticisms continue. I now am wondering if my forgiving is giving my partner implicit permission to continue the criticisms. Do you think this might be possible?
From what I can tell, you are forgiving without asking your partner to communicate with you in a more positive way. As you forgive, try to approach your partner when your anger is lower and ask about the possibility of communicating with you in a more civil and even loving way. It is not the forgiving that is the problem. It seems to me that a missing step is asking for the justice of better communication after you have forgiven.
I have read one criticism of forgiveness that goes something like this: If people forgive, this may lower accountability. In the case of legal issues, someone who requires serious time in corrections may be let off with too light of a sentence. What do you think of this?
When you forgive, you can and should seek justice as these two moral virtues (forgiveness and justice) can occur simultaneously. Regarding the legal issue, there is an important difference between people forgiving others for offending them and legal pardon, in which the judge was not the one offended. In the event that judges are offended, they must recuse themselves from the case. In other words, forgiving for personal offenses and engaging in legal pardon toward someone who did not personally hurt the judge are quite different.
I recently read that forgiving another person is “freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions.” Is this what forgiveness is?
Actually, no, this is not what forgiveness is in its deepest sense. Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it involves, as best you can at the present time, being good to those who are not good to you. Forgiving includes seeing the humanity in the other person and working toward more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the one who offended you. As an example of positive behavior, this might be a kind word to the other person or even a kind word about that person to others if you are not reconciled with the one who acted unfairly. “Freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions” is one of the consequences of forgiving. This consequence should not be confused with what forgiveness actually is.
When the emotional hurt seems too overwhelming, how can I start the process of forgiving?
Acknowledging the emotional pain and letting yourself feel it often is a first step. Be careful not to pass negative judgement on yourself when feeling the pain. For example, refrain from such false judgements as “I must be weak to be feeling this kind of anger and sadness.” Those feelings are quite normal after betrayal. Think about the advantages of eventually doing the hard work of forgiving. As you advance in the process of forgiveness, the anger and sadness likely will lessen, and it is possible that the forgiving could lead to reconciliation with the other person if the behavior changes for the better. Try to see forgiveness as a process that may need your patience, self-compassion, and in certain situations, professional counseling.
When I was only 8 years old, my father left our family. Now that the pressure is off and I’m an adult attending college, he has changed his mind. I don’t even know him, but he wants to build a relationship with me. Does moving forward with this seem a little phony?
Forgiveness is always possible. You observe your father’s errors. I believe he also sees them. You have every right to be angry. At the same time, if you have mercy on your father and think about forgiving him, you could give him a great gift of mercy and help your own emotional rehabilitation. You will need courage and a strong will to accomplish this. If and when you’re ready, you’ll know it.
