Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I’m not angry. My father ignored me as a child, so I don’t have to forgive him, right?

To start or continue forgiving, you do not need to be angry. For instance, are you feeling sad or disappointed? Do you believe that you and your father can now have a sincere, trustworthy relationship? If you do not think that a genuine reconciliation is possible between your father and you, then forgiveness would be justified in this circumstance. To put it another way, forgiveness is not solely motivated by feelings of anger. Forgiveness might be suitable if you believe that you have been treated unfairly and that this is interfering with your connection with your father.

The concept of forgiveness as a whole bothers me. I am asked to “leave it in the past” or “just move on” if I am to forgive. When the memories simply won’t go away, how can I “leave it in the past”?

Forgiveness is more than simply letting go of the past or moving on. Forgiveness is a moral virtue that emphasizes kindness toward specific people, those who have wronged you. This experience of “the memories simply won’t go away” diminishes when you forgive because you start to see that person differently. Without this paradox of struggling to be good to those who were not good to you, it is very difficult to “leave it in the past.”  By forgiving, which includes mercy toward those who were unfair, you can let go of the constant unresolved discontent and move into the future in a more healthy way.

I have taken your advice and have applied what you call the “strong will” to forgive someone who deeply hurt me.  I still feel stuck. Do you have a further recommendation for me?

Yes, I understand how hard it is to forgive at times, and so please accept my sympathy. I recommend that you try to forgive someone else first if you are having trouble forgiving a certain individual. Forgiving this new person first may be easier because the injustice may not have been as serious. With this kind of practice in the process of forgiveness, you then should consider forgiving the person toward whom you are “stuck” in trying to forgive. You might be able to forgive this one individual who is causing you so much difficulty if you practice forgiving at least one other person first.

For me, forgiveness, at least some of the time, is easy to begin, but it can be difficult to maintain. I kind of want to go on with my life and do other things. So, how can I keep going until the very end and forgive completely without giving up?

I discuss three kinds of will in my book, The Forgiving Life: the good will, the free will, and the strong will.  Having good will enables you to respond with kindness to people who have injured you and to see them for who they truly are. Saying “yes” to the forgiving process itself is made possible by your free will. Despite the difficulty, you can persevere because of your strong will.

Make an effort to recognize the strong will. Beyond forgiveness, cultivate it in other areas as well. For instance, stick to the challenge of an exercise regimen; finish the book you started; or finish a project you started at home some time ago. By making these efforts, you can fortify your strong will and go closer to the forgiveness finish line. Please remember that anger might reemerge even after you have crossed the finish line of forgiveness. As you go through the forgiveness process once more, use the strong will, the free will, and the good will, all of which will help you to forgive more deeply.

Thank you for helping me see that I can forgive my grandmother, who is no longer among the living.  Do you have a resource that you could share with me about forgiving someone who has passed away?

Yes, here is an essay I wrote about that on the Psychology Today website:

Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?, November 1, 2018