Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Do you think that much of the bullying in school stems from a past experience of being bullied? For example, a 5th grade boy bullies a 2nd grade boy because the former was bullied at that age?
I am not sure that the reason for bullying gets so precise that a person bullies another based on the year in which he first was bullied. Yet, it is our hypothesis that many of those who bully have experienced such unfair treatment by someone (or more than one person) that they are very angry. Their anger, from past hurts against them, now is displaced onto unsuspecting others in their lives. A son who is treated cruelly by his father, for example, may bring his pent-up anger to school and start to exhibit bullying behavior. He needs to forgive his father if his bullying is to stop.
I have gone through the forgiveness process now a few times with the one who has hurt me and I still have anger left over. It is not as intense as before, but there is anger left over. I am worried that I am not really forgiving. Can you help me with some insights here?
We often find that as people forgive there is anger left over. As you point out, that anger is diminished; it does not control you. Please keep in mind that having some residual anger is normal and so you can have confidence that you, indeed, are forgiving when you are wishing the other person well and you can do so with much less anger than before.
I am in the process of forgiving someone. I do not think that I am suppressing, displacing, or denying my anger. I have uncovered that anger and I have a lot of it. I am not a fan of journaling and so that is not effective for me in reducing the anger. How do I now start to diminish this anger that is so uncomfortable for me?
It seems that you are ready to enter the forgiveness process which itself can help you reduce anger. A first step often is this: Are you ready to commit to doing no harm to the one who has hurt you? Notice that I am not asking for something positive here, such as compassion or kindness or love. I am asking if you are ready to refrain from something negative—-not doing harm to the other by, for example, speaking disrespectfully about him or her to others. Committing to doing no harm may be the beginning of anger reduction for you. As you go more deeply into the forgiveness process, the anger can diminish more.
What is a good way of achieving balance when teaching children about forgiveness so that they are not taken advantage of in the future?
A key here is to include discussions of the virtue of justice along with the virtue of forgiveness. When a child forgives, he or she needs to be aware of fairness and if the other is not acting fairly, then the one who forgives needs to seek help from an adult authority to help solve the issue of injustice coming from the other child.
Looking at forgiveness from the other side, how do I know when I truly have been forgiven?
I would ask you these questions: Is the one who forgives showing you respect as a person? Is the person bringing up the incident and dominating you or are you both now on the same level in terms of your humanity? Does the other show an interest in reconciling with you and, if so, do you think that he or she is trusting you now in most areas of life? Positive answers to these questions are good indicators that the other has forgiven you.
