Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What is emotional imprisonment toward oneself?
Sometimes we harbor deep resentment over a long period of time because we think we are somehow getting back at those who have wronged us as we keep the anger deep inside. Yet, in my own experience, those who hold onto that anger are punishing the self more than the other, who may not care that you are so angry. When a person deliberately keeps such anger inside, he or she is keeping the self in an emotional prison which eventually could rob that person of happiness. Forgiveness is one important way of letting that anger out, which then can increase happiness.
Do you use the same forgiveness model when working with people of faith, such as Christians? Especially, those who believe you are to forgive immediately? Also, what is your approach to self-forgiveness? Or do you believe self-forgiveness from a Christian perspective? These questions are based on Biblical scripture Matthew 18:21-35
Our process model of forgiveness can be used with people of faith by adding themes common to that faith. For example, suppose a client is in the Work Phase of the forgiveness process. The task is to see the inherent worth of the one who offended. The counselor could ask, “Is the person who hurt you made in the image and likeness of God?”
There is no Christian imperative to forgive immediately. When Paul tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger, the Greek is parorgismos, an intensive kind of anger that could include revenge-seeking. He is not telling us to forgive immediately.
How can you discipline a child and use a sense of forgiveness in the discipline?
Discipline can include pardoning a child on occasion. For example, suppose you tell the child to stay in his bedroom for a half hour because he hit his brother. After 20 minutes you can go into the room and let the child know that you will not be asking him to spend the rest of the half hour in the room. You can say, by way of instruction, that you are showing mercy on the child. Mercy is going beyond what is fair. You then could ask that child to go and have mercy on his sibling, the one whom he had hit earlier. Pardon and forgiveness are not the same thing, but they are related. As another example, you can discipline a child and tell her this, “Even though I am sending you to your room and even though I am disappointed in what you did, I still very much love you as a person, as my child.” You are acknowledging her inherent worth as a person despite your being angry at the moment.
Is it harder to forgive a family member than it is to forgive a stranger?
Most people do find it more difficult to forgive family members because they are the ones who are supposed to be loyal toward and loving with you. When that expectation is broken, then it is hard to forgive especially if the forgiver has not had much practice in forgiving.
What are some techniques you would recommend for making a person more aware of their inner sense of anger and the depth of that anger?
First, I would not rush this, but be patient with the person. Sometimes a person puts up the psychological defenses of suppression, repression, and/or denial for a good reason. The person may need some time, for example, to get used to what happened before starting on the journey toward emotional healing. When the person is ready, you first can work with him or her to make that which is unconscious (repressed or denied, for example) now conscious. What helps is this: If the person has the safety net of forgiveness and knows that he or she can confront and eliminate that anger, then the person is less likely to fear the uncovering of that emotion.
Another technique is to make the person aware of his or her inner pain as a result of an injustice. If the person can look within courageously and see how much pain is in there, then he or she may be motivated to get rid of that pain. The first step is to examine the pain and label it. Are you in mourning only? Are you angry? Are you perhaps even furious? The diagnosis helps the person see the amount of forgiveness work necessary now to heal.
