Ask Dr. Forgiveness

My boss abruptly and without warning dismissed me from my position last week.  Since then, I have had thoughts of revenge, not to actually do anything, just fantasy.  Is this part of forgiveness or is this a symptom that I am unforgiving?

Fantasies of revenge show you that you are highly resentful of your boss’ actions.  An initial period of anger, even intense anger, is common when there is severe injustice.  The key now is what you want to do with that anger.  Do you want to keep that anger and nurture it or do you want to be rid of it?  If you want to be rid of it, then this may be the beginning of forgiveness.

A next step in forgiving is this: Are you engaging in forgiveness only to be done with the resentment or are you actually exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness by wishing your boss well?  When you get to the point of wanting good for the boss, then you are engaging in the deep issues of forgiveness.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

My mother refuses to accept my forgiveness. I am an adult who lives away from home now. She denies any neglect even though both my brother and I carry scars from her inattention when we were growing up. My brother and I carefully have examined this issue and we are in agreement about the unfairness. How do we get my mother to see this?

It never is too late to establish affectionate relationships.  You do see that what happened with your mother has damaged your trust and this an important insight. If you start to forgive your mother now, this is a start with establishing trust more generally.  Forgiveness itself does not necessarily engender trust, but it does make one open to trust because, if others fail you, at least you begin to realize that you have a way of confronting and overcoming resentment—through forgiving them.

In other words, forgiveness is a safety net against the wounds of others.  So, I would recommend that you start to cultivate a sense of forgiveness toward your mother and, when you are ready, be open to others, knowing that any unfairness on their part will not lead to a crushing resentment within you as you practice forgiveness in these new situations and relationships.

For additional information, see How to Forgive.

My partner and I have quite different political views.  I respect his position, but he definitely does not respect mine.  We argue a lot.  My question to you: How can I forgive him when he is so aggressive about political matters?

I think you need to talk with him about what it means to be a person.  Are people more than their political positions?  If so, what is this “more” that goes beyond the political?  Does he see these other important qualities in you?  I think he needs to broaden his perspective that human beings in their importance transcend politics.  This is not easy to learn and so he and you will have to work on this more transcendent perspective.  As you forgive, try to see these larger human qualities in your partner.  Such a wider perspective likely will help you in the forgiveness process.

For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.

My mother refuses to accept my forgiveness.  I am an adult who lives away from home now.  She denies any neglect even though both my brother and I carry scars from her inattention when we were growing up.  My brother and I carefully have examined this issue and we are in agreement about the unfairness.  How do we get my mother to see this?

It seems that your mother is in denial about what happened.  Such a psychological defense mechanism can be hard to change.  Your mother may need time on this.  If she sees your support and unconditional love, then this may help reduce the denial.  When she sees and experiences your unconditional love try—gently—bringing up one concrete instance of neglect in the spirit of forgiving.  The concrete referent and the unconditional love in combination may aid your mother in breaking the denial and being open to your forgiveness of her.

For additional information, see My Mother Robbed Me of Trust.

Does the process of forgiving myself differ at all from the process of forgiving someone else?

You can follow the same Process Model when forgiving yourself.  Most of the time, when we offend ourselves, we also have offended others.  If this is the case for you, then as you forgive yourself, consider seeking forgiveness from those whom you have hurt by your actions.

For additional information, see How to Forgive.