Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Someone asked me to forgive him when I still was quite angry.  I did say, “I forgive you,” but I made a self-promise to try to forgive the other person. I now feel like a hypocrite since I spoke the words of forgiveness while harboring a great deal of resentment. Does this make me a hypocrite, then?

You made a commitment to yourself to carry on the forgiveness process in your own heart (and most likely in your interactions with the individual), so when you uttered the words of forgiveness, you most definitely had good intentions. To act contrary to your own convictions or even your own intentions is to be a hypocrite. Yet, you had good intentions when it comes to forgiveness. You were committing to forgiveness, and I think this is a heroic gesture. Even though you were not feeling particularly forgiving at the moment, you were deciding to forgive. This demonstrates that your words and your intentions are consistent. Consequently, you were not behaving hypocritically.  If you need more work in forgiving this person, particularly with regard to your feelings, then you can always continue with the forgiveness process.

How can we strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and putting up with verbal abuse that keeps coming from someone who simply won’t stop?

When you choose to forgive, you don’t have to endure the ongoing abuse that is draining you. You might need to leave the conversation for a while. Please make an effort to keep in mind that reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. Taking a break from the other person’s interactions is a smart self-care strategy if the abuse persists despite your best attempts to stop it and if it is wearing you down. When you extend forgiveness, you should also request justice from the people who have wronged you. We must distinguish between forgiving and reconciling, since some people will refuse to change their unjust actions.

Can people forgive in groups or would this inhibit their telling their story of injustice against them when others are watching and perhaps judging?  In other words, would it be better to have one-on-one forgiveness counseling rather than group work?

We have done randomized experimental and control group studies in which one-on-one work was done and others in which group work was done.  Group work can take several sessions before the participants bond with one another and are willing to open up about their pain and the injustices against them. Yet, this kind of openness does occur.  The statistical results tend to show that one-on-one work leads to stronger results on average, but those in group work also substantially benefit.  Here is one reference to a forgiveness group study with men in a maximum-security correctional institution that was very effective in reducing clinical (or near clinical) levels of anger, anxiety, and depression:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 28, 1457-1471.https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583

I have been reading and inspired by one of your self-help forgiveness books.  I used the information in it.  I forgave my brother for certain injustices.  When I went to him and quietly told him that I forgive him, he responded angrily.  He said that he did nothing wrong and that I am being overly sensitive.  I have carefully examined my conscience and have concluded that he truly acted unfairly and that my response is the truth.  What do I do now?

First, congratulations on your courage to forgive.  Second, you may have to forgive your brother for his new response to you, which obviously hurt you.  Third, please keep in mind that he is on a different level of development with regard to receiving or seeking forgiveness than you are in your journey of forgiving.  Give him some time to break his denial about his actions.  Even if he does not come around to seeking and receiving your forgiveness, you have done your best.  You now can interact with him in a less perplexed way.  It is possible that he could change in the future, and even if he does not, you have given him a great gift in your forgiving.

What is the difference between forgiving and legal pardon?

When a judge decides to reduce a deserved sentence for a person within a correctional system, that judge is not the one who was treated unjustly by the one pardoned.  The judge, in other words, needs to be detached from the unjust situation for a fair ruling.  In contrast, a forgiver has been the one (or among the ones) injured and, from that position, offers mercy.  Both are offering mercy, but forgiving is deeply personal and often involves emotional pain within the forgiver, which is not the case for the judge who engages in legal pardon.