Ask Dr. Forgiveness

My mother was quite abusive when I was growing up.  She hurt me very much.  I am trying to forgive her, but it really is hard because mothers are supposed to nurture us, not abuse us.  Do you have any advice for me in this difficult situation?

Yes, I have an essay on the Psychology Today website discussing healing and forgiving from “the mother wound.”  You will see if you read it that you are not alone.  Over 190,000 people viewed this post.  Here it is:

Aiding Daughters in Healing From the “Mother-Wound”

I still think that my ex-husband has inherent worth as a person, but I cannot bring myself to forgiving him.  In other words, I do not want to enter back into a relationship with him.  So, how unforgiving am I?

Actually, I think you are confusing forgiving and reconciling.  If you have good reasons for not entering back into a relationship with him, and if you cannot trust him, this is an issue of reconciliation.  When two or more people come together again in mutual trust, this is reconciliation.  When you begin to see the humanity in the one who was unfair to you, and you deliberately try to reduce negative feelings and work on more positive thoughts (such as his worth) and positive feelings (such as wishing him well in his life), then you are well on the path to forgiving.  How forgiving are you?  I think you are doing well.

I am discussing forgiveness with a friend. When we got to the point of “standing in the pain,” trouble started. My friend said this, “When I think of standing in the pain, it scares me. Won’t the pain crush me? After all, modern times and modern medicine have the goal of eliminating pain, not heaping it onto our shoulders.” How do I respond to this?

Your friend is missing the paradox of forgiving. As we stand in the pain, we stop running from it and meet it courageously. As we do so, we realize that we will not be overcome by the pain. It is here that standing in the pain actually helps to lessen that pain as the person no longer is afraid of it and faces it. This is the paradox: Although it appears as if one will be crushed by the pain, the opposite occurs, and the person becomes free of most or even all of that pain.

I know you recommend stepping inside the offending person’s shoes, having empathy for this person, and understanding the struggles through which the person has gone from childhood to the present. When I do this, I feel as if I am feeling so sorry for this person that I want to say, “It’s ok.  What you did was not so bad.” 

To guard against excusing the person’s unjust actions, I recommend that you keep in your mind and heart the four issues that are not part of forgiving:

1. When we forgive, we do not excuse the wrongdoing;
2. When we forgive, we do not literally forget, but instead, we remember in new ways without the rancor building in our hearts;
3. When we forgive, we do not necessarily reconcile;
4. When we forgive, we do not abandon justice.

These points, which we discuss during the Decision Phase of the Process Model of Forgiveness, are meant to keep you tough-minded about what happened so that when you become tender-hearted, you do not fall into the error of saying, “It’s ok what happened,” or finding excuses for the unjust behavior.

I don’t think that I have forgiven the one who abused me in childhood. The emotional wounds are deep. In working on your Process Model of Forgiveness, I have overcome my profound anger. I still have some anger, but it is manageable. What is bothering me is that I cannot seem to find any positive feelings for this person. Does this mean I have not forgiven yet?

Because you have overcome much of your deep anger toward the person, it seems to me that you have been successful so far in your forgiveness journey. Reducing anger to manageable levels is very important. Sometimes, people are so emotionally wounded that they do not have positive feelings or even positive thoughts about the other. We are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes (who wrote the book Forgive and Forget, published in 1984) reminded us. So, I recommend that you be gentle with yourself and see the triumph in your forgiveness journey to this point. You are making progress. If you choose to continue this journey, keep trying to see the inherent worth in the one who hurt you. As you cultivate that in your mind and your emotions, some positive feelings may begin to emerge for you toward the person. Even if this does not occur, your continuing to forgive will help you keep the anger under control, as you are doing now. Please be encouraged by this.