Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How would you define forgivable offenses? To be particular, can someone forgive another’s failure or deficiency in character (even if there was no wrongful act committed by the person)? For instance, someone might be indifferent to me without meaning to hurt me, but I might still feel offended while knowing he or she didn’t do anything wrong to me. Thank you.
Deficiency of character will come out as behavior, either as a bad act (an act of commission) or as a failure to act when one should (an act of omission). When a person treats you with indifference, this is an act of omission because you are a person of worth and others should not treat you as if you were invisible. This, of course, does not mean that we have to pour ourselves out for everyone we meet. Your example centers on actual interactions which make you feel ignored. We should not treat others as if they do not count or have no worth (an act of omission). When this occurs, those so ignored can, if they choose, forgive the other.
You talk about forgiveness being not only giving up resentment but also developing compassion and even moral love toward the one who has hurt you. What does it mean to love a stranger who had no relationship with you prior to his offense? There is no trust or relationship to restore to start with, but even in that case, do you think it is possible to love that offender? If you do, would you please give some examples?
Yes, we can love strangers when we realize that all people have inherent (built-in) worth. Therefore, we can serve those we do not know. We can come to the aid of strangers. When we give money to a suffering person who has her back to a wall as you pass by, you are showing that she has inherent worth. When you refuse to retaliate toward a stranger who is not good to you, you are showing that the person has inherent worth. As you show such worth to others, you are loving those people as you serve them.
You use the term “accept” or “bear” the pain of others’ injustices. Does this mean that we handle this ourselves or do we need help?
I think that help of some kind is always good if that help is wise and supportive. In other words, speaking with someone who cares about you can help with the carrying of the pain and the lifting of that pain. So, talking it out is a good thing as long as the other understands, cares, and does not pressure you to forgive.
I am about to start with the forgiveness process, but I wonder if my problem allows it. What if you are harassed by others, your reputation is being destroyed and you are sabotaged in every way and it is still ongoing? Would you recommend trying to end that relationship before you start to forgive or is forgiveness the key to end it? And is the guide in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, also working for this sort of problem? Have you experiences with forgiveness and mobbing given that it is quite epidemic nowadays?
We recommend first protecting yourself. Try to end the interactions with those who are, in your words, mobbing you. Once you are safe from further harm, then you can begin the forgiveness process.
Yes, we have encountered this kind of injustice. As you are seeing, it is more involved than forgiving one person for one injustice. We recommend that you first forgive one person in this mob (and not the one who has hurt you the most deeply; you need a chance to slowly learn to forgive). Then, when you have forgiven this one person, start to forgive another and then another, one at a time. You may have to go back to those whom you have forgiven as anger emerges again, but this is often the case with people who practice forgiveness.
Please be gentle with yourself as you work through these multiple layers of forgiveness. We are here if you have further questions.
I was wondering has anyone read “Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach,” Father R. Scott Hurd? I am looking for a good book on Forgiveness that is from a Catholic perspective as long as some of it isnt written contrary to your Institute’s advice. Thanks.
Yes, we have read parts of Fr. Hurd’s book on the topic of forgiveness. We would recommend it as a Catholic source. Also, if you are interested, Dr. Enright has a short paper (8 pages) on this same topic. If you request this from us, we will send a copy by email to you. Click this link for a review of Fr. Hurd’s book “Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach.”
