Ask Dr. Forgiveness
There is a psychological defense called “identification with the aggressor.” If Person A swears and demeans, then Person B who is the object of these, begins to swear and to demean others. If Person B begins to forgive, do you think that would break the pattern of “identification with the aggressor”?
Yes, I do think that forgiving can break the pattern of identifying with the aggressor. Why? It is because as people forgive, then they see more clearly that what the other did was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair. Seeing this, those who forgive will not want to imitate those behaviors that now clearly are seen as unjust.
I recently have decided to forgive someone. What do I do first?
A first key is knowing what forgiveness is and what it is not. You can find information about this on our website or in one of my books such as Forgiveness Is a Choice or The Forgiving Life. Another early key is to commit to doing no harm to the one who harmed you. This, as you might see, does not ask you to offer kindness or love toward the other. Instead, it asks you to refrain from the negative, from harming the person.
I am in a community group that encourages forgiveness. I wonder: Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the individual who might consider forgiving? Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the community?
I think it depends heavily on how this norm of forgiveness is concretely expressed within the community. For example, if people feel pressured to forgive, then forgiveness could become a grim obligation that is rejected. If forgiveness is held up as a choice—a true choice that is up to the wronged person—-then this issue of pressure is lessened or even eliminated. If people truly understand what forgiveness is, then they may be drawn to forgiving. All may benefit when people truly understand what forgiveness is and is not, are drawn to forgiveness rather than forced into it, and then practice it for the good of others.
A friend has been diagnosed with bi-polar personality disorder. I now am wondering if it will be more difficult for her to forgive.
The bi-polar diagnosis occurs when the person presents with some symptoms of psychosis (or a break with rationality). Of course, there are other symptoms, but we will not discuss them here. When the person is in a psychotic episode, it would be best not to discuss forgiveness. When the person is showing more rationality, when the person can think concretely in terms of causes and consequences, then it may be appropriate to explore forgiving those at whom your friend is very angry. The diminishing of the anger may reduce some of the symptoms of the diagnosed condition.
My partner has a temper. It is easier for me to just give in and pretend that everything is ok. Is this ultimately not healthy for me?
Going along with injustices that you clearly see as disruptive to your relationship and to you personally is not healthy. The resentment can lead to anxiety, psychological depression, and low self-esteem. I suggest that you forgive first and then from that position, ask something of your partner. If you point out your inner pain, then the partner may see the necessity for change. Of course, not everyone takes this cue that they have to change, but it is a good starting point to see if it works in your case.
