Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?
The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust. You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years. Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness. It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others. Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person.
I sometimes wonder if people need first to forgive themselves instead of others. Here is what I mean: Person A is dissatisfied with herself for past failings and so gets angry at others. Person A is displacing her anger now onto these others. If she could forgive herself, then maybe she could see that these others were not as unjust to her as she once thought.
This is definitely possible, but surely is not always the case. Sometimes, as we know, people are unjust to us and our disappointment within ourselves is not the cause of our anger toward these people .Yet, if you sense that Person A, someone you wish to help, is continually finding fault with many people and your sincere judgement is that these others are not behaving nearly as badly as Person A is saying, then yes, your plan of action seems reasonable. Gently ask Person A if she is dissatisfied with herself, perhaps she has broken her own standard. Self-forgiveness then may be the best place to start.
Are there movies for 10-to-12 year old boys that you could recommend? I am looking for a forgiveness film for my sons. Thank you in advance.
I would recommend the 1999 film, October Sky.
October Sky is a heartwarming tale of a boy and his father, who have much tension between them. The boy, Homer Hickam, is fascinated by rockets, which his father thinks are impractical. Near the story’s end, the rockets play a part in the offer of forgiving and the receiving of forgiveness between father and son.
Learn more about the movie or view the official trailer.
Which book would you recommend would work better for someone who wants to use forgiveness to break free from the past, and move ahead – Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope or The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love or 8 Keys to Forgiveness
If you are interested in excelling in forgiving, then I would recommend this:
1) First read 8 Keys to Forgiveness which will give you an overview and, I hope, some inspiration to forgive one particular person for an injustice caused to you.
2) Next, turn to Forgiveness Is a Choice which focuses specifically on forgiving this one person.
3) Finally, the advanced course is The Forgiving Life, which helps you to forgive in a wide and deep way and then to give away to others the idea of forgiveness for their good.
It seems that there are many people who are angry at God. Their anger is real and something to be overcome for a better relationship with God. Do you suggest that they forgive God? In my understanding, the loving and holy God cannot do anything unjust, so it is challenging for me to conceptualize how people might be forgiving God. However, their anger is real and something to be resolved—that’s the key and real issue stimulating the idea of forgiving God. Thank you for your wisdom.
The late Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, suggested that God is big enough to take our resentment and our forgiving. I am a great admirer of Dr. Smedes, but I think he got this one wrong. As you say, a perfect God cannot be unjust. If we presume otherwise, this can open up many errors in theology. For example, God is imperfect in this scenario and so why follow the imperfect? God is capable of sin in this scenario. Would you want to worship a sinful being?
Instead of forgiving God, I recommend working on acceptance—-acceptance of God’s will. Sometimes this involves suffering, but out of suffering can come strength, patience, and a deep empathy for those who suffer.
