Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am in a community group that encourages forgiveness. I wonder: Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the individual who might consider forgiving? Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the community?
I think it depends heavily on how this norm of forgiveness is concretely expressed within the community. For example, if people feel pressured to forgive, then forgiveness could become a grim obligation that is rejected. If forgiveness is held up as a choice—a true choice that is up to the wronged person—-then this issue of pressure is lessened or even eliminated. If people truly understand what forgiveness is, then they may be drawn to forgiving. All may benefit when people truly understand what forgiveness is and is not, are drawn to forgiveness rather than forced into it, and then practice it for the good of others.
A friend has been diagnosed with bi-polar personality disorder. I now am wondering if it will be more difficult for her to forgive.
The bi-polar diagnosis occurs when the person presents with some symptoms of psychosis (or a break with rationality). Of course, there are other symptoms, but we will not discuss them here. When the person is in a psychotic episode, it would be best not to discuss forgiveness. When the person is showing more rationality, when the person can think concretely in terms of causes and consequences, then it may be appropriate to explore forgiving those at whom your friend is very angry. The diminishing of the anger may reduce some of the symptoms of the diagnosed condition.
My partner has a temper. It is easier for me to just give in and pretend that everything is ok. Is this ultimately not healthy for me?
Going along with injustices that you clearly see as disruptive to your relationship and to you personally is not healthy. The resentment can lead to anxiety, psychological depression, and low self-esteem. I suggest that you forgive first and then from that position, ask something of your partner. If you point out your inner pain, then the partner may see the necessity for change. Of course, not everyone takes this cue that they have to change, but it is a good starting point to see if it works in your case.
How can I stay motivated to forgive someone who continually keeps doing the same annoying thing? I forgive and then here it comes again!
The key motivation may be this: Do you want to live with the annoyance inside of you and possibly growing inside of you for a long time? Forgiveness under this circumstance certainly is challenging, but all the more necessary to get rid of the annoyance.
It has come into my mind lately that I have anger issues with a person from my childhood who treated me badly. I also notice that I have been pushing away the memories and when I do that, I am fine, at least for a while. Do you think I need to forgive or is it ok to just push the memories away and not think about the person?
It seems to me that you may need, at some point, to do the important work of forgiving. I say that because you say you can push the memories away only “for a while.” In other words, they keep coming back. If you forgive, you likely will remember what happened to you, but you will remember in new ways, without so much anger.
