Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Here is a weakness of forgiving: When in an abusive relationship, a forgiver tends to hold out too much hope for reconciliation. What do you think about this as a weakness?
Yes, I think you are seeing a weakness, not in forgiveness itself, but in the process of forgiveness. When another is unjust, the forgiver often does hold out hope that forgiveness will help the offending person to realize that wrong, change, and ask for forgiveness. Yet, this does not always work in this imperfect world. At the same time, even if the forgiver holds out a lot of hope, reality eventually will show him or her that the other refuses to cooperate. What has been lost is some time, but not one’s dignity or strength to love.
My father thinks that to forgive is a sign of weakness and tells his family members to retaliate with the fist rather than forgive. Is this helpful or harmful?
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness when it is properly understood and practiced. It takes great courage to stand in love even when another person is being unjust. And we have to realize that forgiveness and justice do work together, not in isolation of one another. In a particular circumstance, if the only way to right a wrong is self-defense, and if “the fist” is the only way to protect oneself at the moment, then “the fist” might be part of a just-war, so to speak, but then forgiveness should be considered after the “war” is over.
The ancient Greeks such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle had a lot to say about the moral virtues, of which forgiveness is one. Yet, I do not read anything about forgiveness in Aristotle’s writings, for example. Did they miss the discussion of forgiveness?
I can forgive if and only if the one who hurts me repents. God forgives only after we repent. So, I am doing as God does when I forgive. You seem to emphasize unconditional forgiveness, or forgiving before the person repents. How would you answer my challenge?
There is an important distinction between God’s forgiveness and ours toward other people. God forgives sins. We do not. So, in the forgiveness of sins, God also is asking us to reconcile along with the forgiveness. When we forgive other people, we are exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness, which can be offered unconditionally to others, as can all the moral virtues, such as patience, justice, and kindness, as examples. When we reconcile with those who have hurt us, it is there that we ask for them to change, which includes repentance for the hurtful actions.
You talk about forgiving and seeking justice at the same time. I am of Asian origin and it is considered completely disrespectful to ask for justice from one’s own parent. It is even difficult to consider forgiving a parent because then you are saying that he or she is immoral, something I have been taught in my culture not to ever do. Now what?
I think we have to make an important distinction between condemning the parent and acknowledging the truth that all people are imperfect. Imperfection does not equate with condemnation. If you are able to see your parent as imperfect, then it follows that he or she will sometimes make mistakes or even do wrong. You can then forgive while you keep in mind that this is not condemnation or disrespect. In fact, it is an attempt to see your parent as possessing inherent worth despite the imperfection. To me, this is a sign of respect for the parent as a worthwhile person.