Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Can I forgive someone who has not directly hurt me? For example, I am a teacher and one of my students was deliberately hurt by another student. Can I forgive the one who acted badly to a student whom I admire for his honesty and perseverance?
You describe a situation which some philosophers call secondary forgiveness. In other words, you have been hurt indirectly rather than directly by a person’s injustice toward someone who is important to you. Whenever an injustice occurs which hurts you, then you are free to forgive. This can even occur when you do not even know the victim(s) but experience hurt nonetheless. An example of this tertiary forgiveness is this: the leader of your country enters into what you consider to be an unjust war with another country. You can forgive the leader if that is your choice to do so.
When people ask me to forgive, I think they are asking too much of me. Forgiveness is for all of the holy people of the world and I do not consider myself that special. So, do you think it is all right if I just skip this issue of forgiveness and get on with my life as an imperfect person?
As the late Lewis Smedes said, forgiveness is for imperfect people. None of us starts out as an expert forgiver. With practice, we improve in our understanding and depth of offering forgiveness. So, I as an imperfect person encourage you to take small steps to becoming a strong forgiver.
I was deeply hurt by one of my parents when I was a child. When I think of forgiving, I do not like the idea because it will take me from my victim status. I know it may sound odd to want to keep the identity of victim, but it is all I know. And I am not ready to let my parent “off the hook” just yet for what was done to me. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?
Change is difficult for many people and so you are not alone in that. Your current status of victim seems to give you a sense of security, even if it is mixed with pain. Please think about this contrast: Would you rather keep the security, with its pain, or experience temporary insecurity so that the pain can reduce substantially? Do you think that an identity of survivor or even thriver might be healthier for you in the long-run? If so, are you willing to risk short-term insecurity to achieve this new and possibly healthier identity?
When a family member expresses as a couple they no longer wish to be part of the family and has no desire to discuss anything-is it our response to honor that request and only communicate if they do first? We pray and wait. Thank you.
That request is not necessarily their final word. They are saying this out of a sense of hurt. They are not feeling loved. You can and should approach them in love, knowing that they are hurt. Approach them from that position—-they are wounded in some way. I would not criticize them for that. The situation is what it is from their perspective and so your acknowledging their hurt may get their attention. You and others also may be hurt, but if you put your own woundedness on the table along with theirs, you likely will get nowhere. So, humility and courage are required if you approach them. If you can make progress, then in time your own hurt can be put on the table for (gentle) discussion.
I cannot forgive Hitler. To do so would be folly given his evil acts. So, in some cases is forgiving an act of folly?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue. All moral virtues (such as justice, patience, kindness, and love-in-service-to-others) are good. Therefore, forgiveness is good. Goodness is not folly. Because forgiveness is part of goodness, it follows that forgiveness cannot be folly.
That said, you may not be ready right now to forgive certain people for certain unjust actions. This does not make you a bad person. Forgiveness does not have the same quality as justice. Certain forms of justice are so important that they are encoded into laws of the state: Do not murder, for example. Forgiveness is not codified into law because it is the person’s choice whether or not to forgive a given person for a given unjust action. So, if you do not want to forgive Hitler for the pain he has caused to you (and he can cause pain to those who were born long after World War II), then you need not do so, and remain a good person.
