Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I was in what I thought was a good relationship for almost three years and then my partner abandoned ship. As I look back on it now, she never was going to come back, but once I started to forgive her, I waited and waited and waited for her, hoping she would accept my forgiveness. It never happened. I feel kind of ripped off by forgiveness because it kept me hanging around too long, about a year after she dumped me. Any insight would be appreciated.
You raise a good point about a possible weakness in the virtue of forgiveness if—if—we appropriate that virtue exclusively without justice. When we forgive, as you say, we do sometimes delay exiting an untenable relationship as we stand in the hope of reconciliation. Even when we bring justice alongside forgiveness, we still may delay the inevitable because forgiveness does hold out that hope of reconciliation.
So, forgivers need to realize that the hope of reconciliation may not bring about a true reconciliation. Yet, as forgivers wait in hope, they have to keep asking the question, “Is the other capable of entering into a true, loving relationship?” If the studied conclusion is “no,” and if trusted confidants agree, then justice needs to come forward so that the forgiver is not left stranded for the rest of his or her life.
Yes, forgiveness may delay the conclusion that the other will never return, but a delay is not a permanent state. Eventually, a forgiver can and should stand in the truth of the other’s incapability of relationship (if this is true) and then act accordingly, but always in love and concern for the other.
My stepson is going through the separation from Hell. It is so bad that he and she cannot communicate in even the slightest way, and I fear that in the long run this will have a terrible effect on their son, who is four and learning to navigate their mutual hostilities. I logged onto your site thinking to share it with him with the idea that that would be the start of things getting better, even if she didn’t respond in kind. But reading the entries I thought back on my own relation with him, having seen him being abusive toward his mother when he was younger and living at home, and now seeing that the current circumstance has made him overly dependent on her emotionally. Furthermore, we had to take on debt to pay his legal bills which I view as having been incurred by his making stupid choices along the way, all of which my wife completely concurred with, and then he tried to hide the money he does have by involving my wife in a fraudulent scheme with foreign banks. I can’t stand to be in the same room with him because he is so self absorbed and always presents himself as the victim with no thought that he may have contributed to his own plight. But my wife of course is completely intertwined with him now, not only because her son is suffering, but also because there is a grandchild involved, and that impacts my marriage. So forget about my encouraging him to forgive his ex. I have my own problems forgiving him, and forgiving my wife whom I love dearly in every other aspect of our lives together. Thoughts on that?
I am sorry to hear of your troubles with your son. From your letter, it seems to me that your son is fuming with anger and this started in childhood. He has shown a history of inappropriate behavior and he apparently has brought this anger into the marriage. You are correct: If he does not address that anger and take steps to diminish it, this will affect all of his important relationships, including with his wife, with his own child, and with you as his father and with his own mother.
If he refuses to forgive, then take it slowly with him. Forgiveness cannot be rushed or demanded. He will have to choose it for himself by being drawn to the idea of forgiving others. He may need to forgive his mother for over-indulgence. He may have to forgive you for your deep anger toward him (as you practice forgiving him). And he and his wife need to engage in forgiving and receiving forgiveness from one another if they will save their marriage.
If your son refuses to forgive, remains furious, and places all blame on others, he could be suffering from narcissism, especially if he was over-indulged when growing up. He will need to see this narcissism, practice humility, and even work on seeking forgiveness from those toward whom he has been insensitive.
This is a long list of forgiveness themes. I recommend that your start slowly and see if your son is able to consider forgiving his mother. At the same time, you should consider forgiving him so that your interactions with him are as supportive and loving as possible. See him as emotionally wounded rather than as a big problem for all in the family. This perspective may assist you as you begin to forgive.
I saw on your Facebook page, International Forgiveness Institute, a post on how humility plays a part in forgiveness. I am somewhat confused about that. I have been taught that humility is to lower yourself below other people. Why would you want that for people who forgive?
Humility is not the false belief that you are lower than or worse than other people. It is the correct thought that you are equal to other people, not worse than or better than them in your essence. This, of course, does not mean that one denies the reality that one might be, for example, a better tennis player or a worse singer than others. Our roles do not determine who we are as persons and so we can make distinctions among persons with regard to skills or accomplishments, but not among persons with regard to inherent worth.
Thanks for all you do, Dr. Forgiveness. What do you think are the differences between these terms? Mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion, and love.
Grace makes possible love (agape love or service love). Mercy flows from love. Love makes possible mercy, or the willingness to give people even more than what they deserve in a justice-sense. Love and mercy make compassion possible, which is the decision and feeling of suffering along with those who suffer. Grace, love, mercy, and compassion make possible forgiveness which is to love and have mercy and compassion on those who are not having love and mercy and compassion on you.
What is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation?
One of the best and most succinct explanations of the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation was included in a blog post on this website two years ago. It was written by one of my fellow forgiveness researchers, Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a Professor in the Educational Psychology department at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Here is a link to that post: “Spring into Forgiving: Differences Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation.”
