Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Is it possible to forgive someone who is deceased? If so, what would the forgiveness look like?
Yes, you can forgive someone who is deceased. Forgiveness includes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One can think of the other person as possessing inherent (unconditional) worth. One can cultivate feelings of compassion for the person, not because of what he or she did, but in spite of this. Even behaviors can be a part of the forgiveness. For example, one might donate to the deceased person’s favorite charity. One might say a kind word about the deceased to family members. Depending on one’s religious beliefs, the forgiver can offer a prayer for the one who died.
I am 46 years old and I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary last August. Last year was a difficult year for me. My husband travels for work. When he travels, his job includes ‘wining and dining’ his clients. He recently hired a young, female college graduate. He planned a week long trip with the ‘new girl’ to introduce her to their clients. He never shared or told me that he would traveling with her. I happened to ask him who he was traveling with, one day prior to his departure. I was completely shocked that he would go away with this young, single girl and never tell me. He admitted to keeping this information from me so that I wouldn’t worry. At first, he had a hard time admitting that there was anything wrong with planning such a trip without telling me about it. I do not feel that he had or has a sexual relationship with the ‘new girl’; however, I am incredibly hurt and disappointed by his choice of not telling me. I cry frequently about it. I don’t trust him. He is known to avoid difficult situations. I am tired of his ‘avoiding’ personality and I have developed an intolerance toward it. He has a history of not communicating important events and details of his life. If I ask the ‘right’ question, he will answer the question; but, he will not be forthright with information. He has apologized for his recent bad choice with the ‘new girl’; but I can’t let it go. I am very critical of everything he says and does. I want to forgive him, but I truly do not know how….
Perhaps a first step is to see your husband’s weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and so this is not saying that your husband is weak.
Here is a first step: You say that he has an “avoiding” personality. Why might that be? Has he been hurt in his past, even as far back as childhood? Sometimes people avoid conflict because they have been deeply emotionally wounded by others in conflict situations. If this has happened to your husband, then he, too, carries a wound from the wounded ones who hurt him.
If this is true, and when you see your husband’s inner wounds from others, how is your heart doing toward him? This is the beginning of forgiveness.
If the person did not intend to do wrong, is there really anything to forgive? For example, I have been waiting for a court decision on child-custody for a very long time. The people in the court are not meaning to be unfair, but justice delayed is justice denied. Can I forgive those who are delaying the decision if they do not intend to do wrong?
The short answer is, “Yes.” You should consider yourself free to forgive.
There are at least three issues to consider when assessing wrong: the act itself, the intention, and the circumstances. The circumstances here seem to be that the court is overwhelmed with cases (but I am only surmising this). The intention of the court, as you say, is to see that justice is done. Yet, the act itself—the delay—is unjust given the seriousness of the decision for which you are waiting. The act itself is wrong and so you should go ahead and forgive.
I have found that when an injustice (such as the long delay that you are experiencing) occurs, it is hard to forgive because the injustice is not easing up. Go ahead and forgive nonetheless. The act of forgiving may ease some of your inner turmoil. I would urge you to be gentle with yourself because the anger from an ongoing injustice still may be with you.
I am doing a project on the psychological and physiological effects of forgiveness and would love to know if you know testimonies of people who have physically become healthier as a result of forgiveness?
There are a good number of such testimonials available by searching the Internet for websites like ours: www.internationalforgiveness.com.
For example, on the Why Forgive page of our website, you’ll find an article and a link to a short video about the amazing power forgiveness has had on one woman’s life and her battle with cancer. “If I hadn’t learned to forgive,” Jayne Valseca says, “I may not even be alive today.” Watch the video here.
On the “Forgiveness News” page of this website you’ll find a post entitled: “Forgiveness Saved My Life” says World War II Army Veteran Louis Zamperini who was Immortalized in the book and movie ‘Unbroken’.
In an interview following the release of his book, he said: “Well, when you hate somebody, you don’t hurt them in the least. All you’re doing is hurting yourself. But if you can forgive—and if it’s true—you’ll feel good. It’s chemical. White corpuscles flood your immune system, and that’s a secret to good health.” Click on either of the two links above to read more.
Finally, I refer you to one of the many scientific studies Dr. Enright has conducted; this one published in the journal Psychology and Health: “The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease.” The study results demonstrate and document that forgiveness intervention was an effective means of reducing anger-induced myocardial ischemia in patients with coronary artery disease.
All Dr. Enright’s Peer-Reviewed Empirical Studies, with links to each of the full study reports, are also available on this website, at either of these links.
I found out on the 12 Jan 2015 my wife has had an affair since early 2013 and she has ended it as soon as i found out. She is deeply remorseful. I believe the bible & your advice has helped me to forgive her on 17 Feb 2015. However, thoughts come at me of what she has done and this causes hurt and pain. What advice can you give to help me with my pain?
First, I want to congratulate you on your wisdom in turning to forgiveness as soon as you did. Please keep in mind that a period of confusion and anger is normal and so please do not be dismayed when these feelings come to you. Forgiveness is a process and it can take time.
You say you read the Bible and so I am presuming that you are a Christian. If so, then you can read in Genesis 1 that we are all made in the image and likeness of God. This includes both you and your wife. I would urge you to reflect on that whenever you are feeling deep pain: Both of us are sinners and we are both made in the image and likeness of God.
Building trust is not the same as forgiving. Your wife now needs to show, within reason, that she truly is over the affair. Try to see small steps in her that are leading to remorse and a willingness to turn her life around and to turn to your marriage. In time, as forgiveness helps you to be open to trust, your trust will start to grow. For now, please remember: You are both made in the image and likeness of God. You are both sinners. Jesus’ redemption is for both of you.
