Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I found out on the 12 Jan 2015 my wife has had an affair since early 2013 and she has ended it as soon as i found out. She is deeply remorseful. I believe the bible & your advice has helped me to forgive her on 17 Feb 2015. However, thoughts come at me of what she has done and this causes hurt and pain. What advice can you give to help me with my pain?
First, I want to congratulate you on your wisdom in turning to forgiveness as soon as you did. Please keep in mind that a period of confusion and anger is normal and so please do not be dismayed when these feelings come to you. Forgiveness is a process and it can take time.
You say you read the Bible and so I am presuming that you are a Christian. If so, then you can read in Genesis 1 that we are all made in the image and likeness of God. This includes both you and your wife. I would urge you to reflect on that whenever you are feeling deep pain: Both of us are sinners and we are both made in the image and likeness of God.
Building trust is not the same as forgiving. Your wife now needs to show, within reason, that she truly is over the affair. Try to see small steps in her that are leading to remorse and a willingness to turn her life around and to turn to your marriage. In time, as forgiveness helps you to be open to trust, your trust will start to grow. For now, please remember: You are both made in the image and likeness of God. You are both sinners. Jesus’ redemption is for both of you.
In work phase, “the injured individual may strive to understand the injurer’s childhood or put the injurious event in context by understanding the pressures the injurer was under at the time of the offense.” What if this is not possible, since the offended knows very little about the offender who’s not repenting and not responding? Would it be a helpful thing if the offended can only imagine but never know the real reason he/she was offended?
Besides what we call the “personal perspective” (in which the forgiver understands the emotional wounds inflicted on the offender when in childhood and perhaps at the time of the offense), our forgiveness therapy model includes the “global” and “cosmic” perspectives. So, you need not imagine what transpired for the offender in childhood or any other time if you do not know the answer. If what happened to you was very serious, you could speculate that the offender has been seriously emotionally wounded without imagining specifics. In addition, you can focus on your shared humanity in the “global” perspective (for example, you both, by virtue of being human, are special, unique, and irreplaceable). If you have a faith, you can take the “cosmic” perspective and see that both of you, for example, are made in the image and likeness of God.
Is there a way to see who’s more forgiving? For example, if someone forgives a murderer of her beloved, is that person more forgiving than another person who experienced comparably a minor injustice?
From the examples given, it seems reasonable to assume that we can see which person has the harder task of forgiveness, but difficulty and “more forgiving” are not equivalent. Regarding the “more forgiving” issue, I think we have to look at these factors: 1) How often does a person forgive? 2) How valuable is forgiveness for this person? 3) Does the person have a “love of the virtue,” as Aristotle suggests for maturity, and finally 4) Is forgiveness an important part of the person’s identity, part of his or her life?
One of my students asked me recently, “Why should I forgive? Doesn’t this just let the one who is hurting me see that I am weak?” I did not know how to answer that. Can you help?
The student is confusing forgiveness with giving in to others’ demands. This is not forgiveness. To forgive is to know that what the other person did is wrong and yet mercy is offered nonetheless. When one forgives, one also asks for justice and so this idea of weakness or giving in is not correct. There are two basic ways of distorting forgiveness: to let the other have power over you or to seek power over the other because of his or her transgressions. True forgiveness avoids these extremes.
My sister, who lives in another state, refuses to talk with me. I have no idea what I did and so I have no clue how to handle this. Should I apologize in the hope that this will soften her heart so that she will at least talk with me?
It is obvious that you see no unjust behavior on your part. When we seek forgiveness from others, it is in the context of knowing that we have been unjust. Thus, it follows that you should not ask for forgiveness for something that you did not do. With that said, it is reasonable to acknowledge your sister’s hurt feelings. A way to acknowledge this is to say something like this to your sister: “I am sorry if some of my behavior has caused you pain. Can we talk about it?” Notice that you are not acknowledging wrong-doing (because there was none as far as you know). Instead, you are acknowledging your sister’s hurt feelings, a situation you would like to address.
