Ask Dr. Forgiveness
When we confront our anger, does this imply that we go ahead and confront the wrongdoers regarding their injustices?
Actually, no, this is not implied. It is best to work on your anger before approaching people who offend so that your communication is as reasonable, fair, and civil as possible. You can work on your anger and not interact with those who offend if their actions could be harmful to you. If you seek reconciliation, then, yes, you can first work on your anger and then approach the person.
Have scientists found any connection between anger and health problems?
Yes. You can read one such relationship between anger and cancer at my Psychology Today blog site here:
There is a psychological defense called “identification with the aggressor.” If Person A swears and demeans, then Person B who is the object of these, begins to swear and to demean others. If Person B begins to forgive, do you think that would break the pattern of “identification with the aggressor”?
Yes, I do think that forgiving can break the pattern of identifying with the aggressor. Why? It is because as people forgive, then they see more clearly that what the other did was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair. Seeing this, those who forgive will not want to imitate those behaviors that now clearly are seen as unjust.
I recently have decided to forgive someone. What do I do first?
A first key is knowing what forgiveness is and what it is not. You can find information about this on our website or in one of my books such as Forgiveness Is a Choice or The Forgiving Life. Another early key is to commit to doing no harm to the one who harmed you. This, as you might see, does not ask you to offer kindness or love toward the other. Instead, it asks you to refrain from the negative, from harming the person.
I am in a community group that encourages forgiveness. I wonder: Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the individual who might consider forgiving? Does such a norm encouraging forgiveness help or hurt the community?
I think it depends heavily on how this norm of forgiveness is concretely expressed within the community. For example, if people feel pressured to forgive, then forgiveness could become a grim obligation that is rejected. If forgiveness is held up as a choice—a true choice that is up to the wronged person—-then this issue of pressure is lessened or even eliminated. If people truly understand what forgiveness is, then they may be drawn to forgiving. All may benefit when people truly understand what forgiveness is and is not, are drawn to forgiveness rather than forced into it, and then practice it for the good of others.
