Ask Dr. Forgiveness
On page 39 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say, “Forgiveness is free, trust must be earned.” Doesn’t forgiveness come with a cost? It is hard work. How is it “free”?
Forgiveness is free in that the one who forgives may do so unconditionally whenever he or she is ready. There is no need for the offending person to apologize or to make recompense of some kind before you allow yourself to forgive. If you had to wait for the other to show remorse or to say certain words, then forgiveness is not freely given…….and then you are trapped in unforgiveness until others decide to do what you think they need to do to set you free. Is this not another injustice against you? You are bound in unforgiveness until the other lets you out of that cage of resentment. So, you are right that forgiveness is hard work and that is the “cost” to which you refer, but forgiveness is “free” in that you may do so when you are ready.
Do you think that much of the bullying in school stems from a past experience of being bullied? For example, a 5th grade boy bullies a 2nd grade boy because the former was bullied at that age?
I am not sure that the reason for bullying gets so precise that a person bullies another based on the year in which he first was bullied. Yet, it is our hypothesis that many of those who bully have experienced such unfair treatment by someone (or more than one person) that they are very angry. Their anger, from past hurts against them, now is displaced onto unsuspecting others in their lives. A son who is treated cruelly by his father, for example, may bring his pent-up anger to school and start to exhibit bullying behavior. He needs to forgive his father if his bullying is to stop.
I have gone through the forgiveness process now a few times with the one who has hurt me and I still have anger left over. It is not as intense as before, but there is anger left over. I am worried that I am not really forgiving. Can you help me with some insights here?
We often find that as people forgive there is anger left over. As you point out, that anger is diminished; it does not control you. Please keep in mind that having some residual anger is normal and so you can have confidence that you, indeed, are forgiving when you are wishing the other person well and you can do so with much less anger than before.
I am in the process of forgiving someone. I do not think that I am suppressing, displacing, or denying my anger. I have uncovered that anger and I have a lot of it. I am not a fan of journaling and so that is not effective for me in reducing the anger. How do I now start to diminish this anger that is so uncomfortable for me?
It seems that you are ready to enter the forgiveness process which itself can help you reduce anger. A first step often is this: Are you ready to commit to doing no harm to the one who has hurt you? Notice that I am not asking for something positive here, such as compassion or kindness or love. I am asking if you are ready to refrain from something negative—-not doing harm to the other by, for example, speaking disrespectfully about him or her to others. Committing to doing no harm may be the beginning of anger reduction for you. As you go more deeply into the forgiveness process, the anger can diminish more.
What is a good way of achieving balance when teaching children about forgiveness so that they are not taken advantage of in the future?
A key here is to include discussions of the virtue of justice along with the virtue of forgiveness. When a child forgives, he or she needs to be aware of fairness and if the other is not acting fairly, then the one who forgives needs to seek help from an adult authority to help solve the issue of injustice coming from the other child.
