Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What do you find as a common reason or motivation for people to start the forgiveness process?
There are many reasons why people forgive. A common reason is one’s own inner emotional pain. People grow tired of carrying around a lot of anger and bitterness and so they make a decision to try to forgive. Other reasons, less common, are these: knowing that forgiveness as a virtue is good in and of itself, taking seriously one’s faith that to forgive is important, and to try to reconcile with the one who was unfair.
Do you think that the root cause of any person’s persistent anger, pessimism, and bitterness is unforgiveness?
I would not say that the root cause is unforgiveness. The root cause is deeply unfair treatment by others, acts of injustice. I would say that as people fail to find a solution to their initial shock and anger, then unforgiveness eventually does play a part in a person continuing to live with deep anger, pessimism, and bitterness. Forgiveness offers a way out of these consequences of being treated deeply unfairly.
How is it possible, given your experience, for someone to forgive those who have done horrible things (such as genocide)?
I do not expect people to readily want to forgive those who have done horrible things. Some people say that once such horrible acts occur, then forgiveness is never possible. Yet, there are those who have forgiven people for such atrocities. It is a matter of public record: Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place, is just one example as she forgave Nazis for killing her family members.
I use the term “forgivingly fit” to describe how it is possible for people to forgive where others would never even consider it. As people continually practice forgiveness in the little things of life, they build up an insight and a practice of forgiving that helps them when tragedy strikes. This does not at all mean that those who refuse to forgive in these contexts are bad people, not at all. We all have a choice of forgiving or not and to refuse should not lead to other people condemning them for this.
Is it possible to genuinely forgive without reconciliation?
Yes, people can genuinely forgive even if they are not able to reconcile with another because of the other’s continual hurtful behavior. When one forgives in this way, he or she commits to doing no harm to the other, works at reducing resentment, and strives to offer goodness. In the latter case that might mean, for example, giving a donation to charity in that person’s name, without interacting with the person because of the possibility of further injury.
What would you say to someone who refuses to reconcile with another after that other shows legitimate remorse, has apologized, and is very ready to reconcile?
The one who was hurt may have trust issues with the one who did the injuring. In other words, this could be the 25th incident of hurt. Try to discern how often the person has been hurt by the other. If there is a pattern, then it is understandable why the injured person is hesitant to reconcile.
In this kind of case, I recommend being aware of small steps, done by the injuring person, to truly change and be trustworthy. If the one who acted unfairly does not characteristically engage in hurtful actions, then perhaps there is a trust issue (in the one who refuses to forgive) that goes back a long way, even to childhood. Those who are mistreated by parents, for example, have difficulty establishing trust in their later relationships with others. If this is the case, then practicing forgiving of parents may help the person to more easily trust people in the present and move toward a healthy reconciliation.
